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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

For The Love Of Men...

And I can say that, but no offense to any that may or may not be reading this Lol..

Men, I guess you could say I am addicted to them. Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying that I am addicted, I just have a soft spot for them. But I also have the worst taste in men ever. I'm not 100% sure why I chose the guys I do, Im still trying to figure that all out. But if after this anyone sees what Im doing wrong, don't be afraid to holla at your girl ;)

The very first guy I was ever with, was when I was 12 years old. And truth be told, it was on a dare.. LOL Sad, but true. We were kids, what more do you expect? Anyways, we were together off and on for almost 4 years. He ended up being my first love. I would have done anything for him. But of course, we were young and life happened so it never worked out for us again. But to this day, I talk to him and his mother frequently because apart of me will always love him.

The 2nd guy I was with wasn't again until I was 15. When I first met him, I hated him. I thought he was the biggest asshole Id ever seen. But I was going through a lot when I was 15, drinking, smoking pot, etc.. And he was just there for me. To make a very long story short, 4 months after having sex with him, I got pregnant. Ohh yes. I was scared to death. Who wouldn't be at 15? Him and I were together for a year before I finally had enough of his lazy, "I dont think I need to work, its your child" ass. At that time, I was working full time and going to school full time. I didn't need his deadbeat ass around anymore...  That was the last time I ever saw him, and the last he chose to see of his wonderful daughter. He was mean, selfish and greedy. All he cared about was video games and where his next blunt came from. We were both young, and I get it. We shouldnt have had a baby, but If I am not the only one who made the baby, why am I the one to take care of her?

I didn't "date" again for almost 4 years. I was focused on my child and myself. I didn't see that there was anytime for men in my life. Not with being a single mother of 1 and working and going to school. I was just sooo tired... But then I started drinking again, after being sober for years (alcohol and I have a problem when used in excess amounts) and when I was drinking like that, I made even worse decisions. I decided that after years of knowing my neighbor, apparently I needed to sleep with him.. So I did, I never wanted anything serious at first. It was all about sex, and it wasn't even good sex, it was just sex. But I went with it anyways. 3 months later I was pregnant with my now only son. Greatest gift in the world is children. I had already "broken up" with him before I even knew I was pregnant. The kind of man he is, I knew he was bad news from the get go. He was dealing drugs, and doing all kinds of things that I won't even post about, he was just bad news. I didn't tell him, mostly because I knew he wouldn't be a good father and BOY was I right about that one... He later decided to try and fight me for custody (and failed..) but gained every other weekend visitation. Until he knew that I wouldn't be with him, and I haven't heard from him since...



A few months after I found out I was pregnant, I made yet again another horrible MAN choice and dated his COUSIN.. I know what you are thinking, and trust me it was until years later I thought the same thing myself.. But if you knew the family you would know they weren't really family at all (still aren't actually) and I dated the man and stayed with him for a very long time. I loved this man sooo much I even married his dumb ass. This year we would have been together for almost 7 years. But on Valentine's Day of all days, I filed for divorce because I am just getting to old for head games, and being cheated on and told my kids are nothing and blah blah blah I could go on and on about all my man drama but you don't really want to read about it anyways. And it just so happened this man was 10 years older then me, and acted worse then a 25 year old.


Alcohol was my biggest problem. I used alcohol as a way to sort of drowned out my emotions and lower my self esteem. Worse then it actually was even. All of these men were emotionally, mentally and even physically abusive at times. And yet, even to this day I still manage to find men that in some way or another I think I need to "fix" and it shouldn't be that way. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me sometimes.



For the longest time ever, I wondered why I wasn't good enough to have a good enough man who would WANT (not feel obligated) but actually want ME and 3 kids? Because in all reality that is a lot of baggage alone, let alone everything else that comes along with it. Then I figure, I won't search for it, I will just wait for him to find me....

But Im not even sure I want to do that anymore. Im not even sure I want to bother with any of it until I can learn to trust myself again, or even love myself again for that matter. Loving myself is something I have struggled with for years and I just don't know anymore.

I am just a disaster, and worse when it comes to men! I thought about dating women again (casually) but women are drama, and I HATE drama lol... I think I will just stick to casual sex instead?

A girl can't live without sex, I don't care who you are LOL

6 comments:

  1. Ah Beauty, since I am an Alky I feel comfortable telling you this. If drinking causes you problems you are a problem drinker. If it ever crosses your mind I don't know where you livem but I know where ever that is there is an AA meeting close by and if there is AA there is Alanon, check both of those out, and if you ever want to talk outside of this format you are welcome to talk to me.

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    1. Thanks fireman! Drinking and I don't get along so well. But I was definitely drinking a lot. I did go to AA shortly after all my baby daddy drama. Ive been through AA and Alanon more then I'd already like to admit...

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  2. I'd say let the right man find you, don't go looking. Never let men treat you the way those assholes treated you, ever again, you deserve much better than that. There is someone for you, and trust if he's a good man, he'll love your kids too!

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  3. When the right man comes along, you will know it. I wouldn't go looking for him. Let him find you. Just enjoy your kids and life. Buy yourself a big "toy" and worry about #1 you. Make yourself happy and if it is meant to be all good things will follow from there.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Kathy, LOL I have a whole drawer of "toys" that never was the problem. But I did decide that I would wait for him to find me. And just focus on myself and my babies :)

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