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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Cuz That's How I Roll

So, I was sitting here thinking about all the bullshit I got going on in my life and I had a bit of a revelation. Not a big enough one, to remove my ass from this chair. But the kind that has me looking at things a little more differently this evening.

3 months after the ex hubby and I got married, he had decided that instead of going to work and doing what needed to do, he got what I now call his "3 month itch" and decided that he was going to hop on a bus and head to live with his two faced mommy in Oklahoma. I was beyond angry. I was hurt, confused, worried, and felt just plain worthless.

The mistake that he made was that he left all of his belongings in my possession. Because after all, I wasn't even worth a fuck you, let alone anything else. So I took advantage of the fucked up situation he left me in.

So I decided to BURN all of his shit. Yes, you heard me right. My crazy ass decided that I was going to start up that bonfire in my backyard and burn everything that he owned, or anything that reminded me of him.  This is what it looked like:

These were his clothes, that I ohh so loved throwing into the fire. The kind of release I felt. I felt like a completely different person this day. October 8, 2009. Is it strange that I remember the day? I called my then best friend at the time and gloated. She was a friend that I had met on the internet and lived in Oklahoma. Just so happened she still lives only about a mile away from his mother. I had warned her that if she seen him, to do me a huge favor and sock him a good one for me.


That's me, picking up his C-PAP machine (breathing machine) he needed for sleeping, yep, thats me rockin my Stewie pants ~~>

I had a lot of anger racing through my veins that day. I wasn't even sure how I felt really. Besides abandoned. I mean who does that? Who gets married and 3 months later decides that you just don't want to be married anymore.



Apparantly I didn't learn my lesson, because I took his dumb ass back. But I did learn a lot about myself from this experience and about the man that I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But I had figured, I made the vows. I owed to myself, my children and God to try and do any and everything in my power to make my marriage work. It wasn't the last of his "3 month itches" but this last time was the very last for me.

This is what I did, just this last September. Yes, I hear all the time that I have a lot of anger and a lot of rage built up in me.

Yep, you are sure seeing that right. I stood right in my kitchen and burned the keepsake certificate for our marriage. I later on decided that I was going to burn the real thing when I found it, and I sure did.

But my point is that I need to look at my life differently. I need to think about things the way I used to. When I didn't care what anyone thought, or how anyone felt about anything and stop caring like I did.

I may not deal with the stress in my life the way everyone in this world might think I need to. Or I may have some that read this and not come back. But I really don't care anymore. I need to feel like I used to. I need to have the faith that I used to and I need to be able to say "Fuck it, whatever happens will happen" like I used to. If I can't pay my bills next month, then I can't. Maybe I am just not meant to be here after all.

I need my strength back. I need to feel whole again. And yeah, I get it. One day at a time. But really, I think I will take things one HOUR at a time because I think that's all I can handle these days.

But for now, I think I will continue on with my bonfires, cuz that's just how I roll.... 

4 comments:

  1. I should do that with my old marriage certificate! :p

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  2. I had to laugh. About the burning... because I too burned an ex's things. Now we weren't married-- or even together that long--but he was a mean person. Okay--not at first--but his true colors eventually came out. I left him. Requested several times over several weeks from him to come pick up his crap from my place. He never showed. I had a few drinks one night and then lit a fire in my fire place.

    Okay--so here's why I'm laughing. You were the smart one-- you burned your ex's stuff outside. Like an idiot-- I thought it would just "burn" and I'd have a nice fire. NOOOO!! I didn't understand that when you burn plastics and fabrics with dies-- you get toxic chemicals released into the air. (I'm not a chemist--sue me). OMG. My apartment STUNK. I had all the windows open...it was bad. (See why I'm laughing?) Kind of ironic-- his 'crap' stunk and I had the proof! (He acted like his 'crap' never stunk!)

    Anyway-- I shoveled the ashes to his things in a garbage bag and left them out on the front stoop the day he said he was finally coming by to pick them up.

    Keep hanging in there. (I know, I know-- another long winded response... I'm good for them!) Jenn.

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    Replies
    1. LOL I see why you are laughing. It was just a thought I had because I was done with his shit. hahahahahaha I felt so much better aftwards and I too went and picked myself up a 12pk and enjoyed the rest of the night watching all his shit burn! LOL

      Jenn, what happened when he finally came to get his stuff? LOL

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