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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Change

I don't deal so well with change.. I'm not 100% sure why, but I just don't like it, but then again who really does? I think the only time anyone really likes change is when it's good and I also think that 9 times outta 10 changes are usually bad.

Well in the last year alone, I have had so much change.. I amaze myself that I am still standing!

I have fibromyalgia, permanent whiplash, buldged discs that are pressing against my nerve, causing constant severe pain, carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands (that doesn't help when it comes to blogging..) and arthritis as well. I am a complete mess and I am all but 26 years old.

Most days, I feel like a 50-60 year old lady who can barely move! I have the most awful insurance in the world, that won't cover much, and apparantly in the wonderful state of Nebraska I don't have "enough" wrong with me to qualify for disability. Yet on the other hand, I have enough problems that prevent me from working outside of the home. Can't stand for long, sit, walk, pick things up etc.. So I am jobless and broke at the same time.

I also filed for divorce. I officially filed on Valentine's Day (if that isn't love..) because the 'man' I was married too, well let's just say we had some serious irreconcilable differences. He was the sole bread winner for 7 years. While I stayed at home being the perfect little wife, taking care of the house and the kids. Which doesn't bother me any. The only thing that ever bothered me was him.

Sooo, I am broke in a lot of ways. I can't work, can't do the whole disability thing, I will soon be divorced and most days I feel like falling apart in every way imaginable. But I am still here!

I hate change, because in order for me to get out of this rut that I am in, I will have to get up and get a job that I am sure will break my body in more then one way. But that is what I have to do for my children. Whose only provider is me! I have very little help from my family, because they are just too busy with their own families, so I can't count on anyone but myself. It's just my kids and I.

I had thought about going back and taking some more college courses. And that would be awesome to do, but I need to be able to provide for my kids now, and not in 2 years when those courses are over.

Im in a rut and I have to change things, even if it kills me. I haven't lost hope and faith is something I don't have much of either. But I am a very firm believe that everything does happen for a reason and this is something that is supposed to happen. There is a reason for it, one of which I am not sure of... But there has to be a reason. Because I do believe that God wouldn't give us anything he knows we can't handle.

But really? When I say "God, can it get any worse?" It really isn't a challenge and Im really not looking for something else to fall apart. I am sooo tired of crap falling apart all the time. I want things to fall together already!

Ahhhh, venting is good for the soul and I have done mine for today!

.....Thanks for reading :)

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