These last few days I haven't just been sick, but I've been tired too. Just sick and tired of everything lately... I just feel hopeless and haven't had much to talk about the last few days.. If you read my 'Changes' blog you would understand a little bit about things. But it's just everything in general. Maybe Im depressed? just sad? Need some adult time? Im not sure what it is really and I don't get a chance to see the doctor again until right after the first of April..
Going through a divorce, with a man who thinks he will have some sort of power over me by threatening to take the only child we have together away from me. Which even he knows won't work, but he is just doing it to have some sort of power over me. Because with that "man" it was always about power and control. And if he didn't have the power or control over a situation he would flip his lid in ways Im not even ready to talk about.. But it's still a struggle going through all the shit again, with more children (that's a different blog) But I don't think my kids will survive yet another court battle.
They have already been in therapy, and been through so much. I just want to protect them from it all, but that's going to be soo hard to do.
There are my medical issues, that will never stop. All my problems will only get worse and never ever get any better. I have medical issues that prevent me from holding down a job. Because I can't sit for long, or stand for long, or lift things etc.. But Im not "screwed up" enough to qualify for disability. For the last 7 years my sole provider was the ex hubby. Now I can't work, and Im having more problems then any paying bills and trying to take care of my kids. My medical problems alone are enough to lay me out. But being a single mother of 3 is also exhausting.... Im just physically exhausted with everything...
Physically and emotionally exhausted... Emotionally drained. Just soooo tired.
Married to a man that I believe has ruined my belief of marriage. Im not sure I believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore. Hell, Im not even sure I believe in true, real love anymore. Im not quite sure it exists. Maybe one day I will feel differently, but lately I just feel defeated.
I feel defeated with life, with love, with everything. I feel like I try sooo hard to try and turn my life around to better myself, to be a better person for my kids. But Im not sure I have the strength anymore. Or at least for today, I don't know where the strength is going to come from.
Where do I find the strength? Where do I find the passion for life again?
When you are in your 20's that is when you are supposed to be finding yourself and discovering yourself, right?
How do you find yourself, when the only thing you have ever been is a mother? I feel like that's all I am these days. A mother to 3 of the greatest kids in the world. You know, even when I was married, my ex never helped with the kids. So I have always been a single parent. I have never had the feeling of co-parenting or never been able to say "Go see your dad" I dream for that day let me tell ya LOL
Im just tired, and defeated and not sure what to do next... Not sure what my future holds.. Or if I will even have a roof over my head a month from now...