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Friday, March 9, 2012

Beautifully Broken

These last few days I haven't just been sick, but I've been tired too. Just sick and tired of everything lately... I just feel hopeless and haven't had much to talk about the last few days.. If you read my 'Changes' blog you would understand a little bit about things. But it's just everything in general. Maybe Im depressed? just sad? Need some adult time? Im not sure what it is really and I don't get a chance to see the doctor again until right after the first of April..

Going through a divorce, with a man who thinks he will have some sort of power over me by threatening to take the only child we have together away from me. Which even he knows won't work, but he is just doing it to have some sort of power over me. Because with that "man" it was always about power and control. And if he didn't have the power or control over a situation he would flip his lid in ways Im not even ready to talk about.. But it's still a struggle going through all the shit again, with more children (that's a different blog) But I don't think my kids will survive yet another court battle.

They have already been in therapy, and been through so much. I just want to protect them from it all, but that's going to be soo hard to do.

There are my medical issues, that will never stop. All my problems will only get worse and never ever get any better. I have medical issues that prevent me from holding down a job. Because I can't sit for long, or stand for long, or lift things etc.. But Im not "screwed up" enough to qualify for disability. For the last 7 years my sole provider was the ex hubby. Now I can't work, and Im having more problems then any paying bills and trying to take care of my kids. My medical problems alone are enough to lay me out. But being a single mother of 3 is also exhausting.... Im just physically exhausted with everything...

Physically and emotionally exhausted... Emotionally drained. Just soooo tired.

Married to a man that I believe has ruined my belief of marriage. Im not sure I believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore. Hell, Im not even sure I believe in true, real love anymore. Im not quite sure it exists. Maybe one day I will feel differently, but lately I just feel defeated.

I feel defeated with life, with love, with everything. I feel like I try sooo hard to try and turn my life around to better myself, to be a better person for my kids. But Im not sure I have the strength anymore. Or at least for today, I don't know where the strength is going to come from.

Where do I find the strength? Where do I find the passion for life again?

When you are in your 20's that is when you are supposed to be finding yourself and discovering yourself, right?

How do you find yourself, when the only thing you have ever been is a mother? I feel like that's all I am these days. A mother to 3 of the greatest kids in the world. You know, even when I was married, my ex never helped with the kids. So I have always been a single parent. I have never had the feeling of co-parenting or never been able to say "Go see your dad" I dream for that day let me tell ya LOL

Im just tired, and defeated and not sure what to do next... Not sure what my future holds.. Or if I will even have a roof over my head a month from now...

*sigh*

10 comments:

  1. Oh my Sweet Beautiful Disaster, my heart is aching for you and your pain. I know only one answer and that is just to give it over to God and believe He will take care of you and your babies. Pray hard and let it all go.
    Of course you are exhausted! You are carrying the weight of the world alone. You don't have to do that. He will carry all your burdens, you just have to give them over to Him.
    Your future holds whatever He has planned for you and all the worrying and fretting isn't going to change anything. Let it Go and Let God take over. He's waiting for you to really believe and let go.
    Praying for you and your babies. ♥

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  2. Thanks Jo. I could do that. But lately Im not a firm believer in God either... Not sure I believe in anything in more honestly...

    Faith is a little thing these days..

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  3. You're too young to be going through all this. My heart breaks for you. Keep writing. You will find solace in the words.

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    1. Thanks Sandy, that is a big reason as to why I am blogging again. Words seem to be all I have these days...

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  4. Beautifully expressed by your inner voice with its sound of sadness. No doubt you have asked yourself "How did I wind up here? This was'nt part of my plan!" The journey through life has many winding turns and no one gets "lost" with one wrong move. It took a series of turns to get you "off track". In the same way, your return will take a series of "right moves". Jo makes a valid point, "hand it over to God", but not worry if that sounds too bold,for this world was created with more angels in more places than you'll ever imagine. As a matter of fact, there is one next you now, you just need to keep that heart open and see with it!
    Close your eyes and listen
    (Piano playing)

    Every day is so wonderful
    And suddenly it's hard to breathe
    Now and then I get insecure
    From all the pain, feel so ashamed

    I am beautiful no matter what they say
    Words can't bring me down
    I am beautiful in every single way
    Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
    So don't you bring me down today

    To all your friends you're delirious
    So consumed in all your doom
    Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone
    Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?

    'Cause you are beautiful no matter what they say
    Words can't bring you down, oh no
    You are beautiful in every single way
    Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
    [| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/christina-aguilera-lyrics/beautiful-lyrics.html |]
    So don't you bring me down today

    No matter what we do
    No matter what we do
    (No matter what we say)
    No matter what we say
    (We're the song that's outta tune)
    (Full of beautiful mistakes)

    (And everywhere we go)
    And everywhere we go
    (The sun will always shine)
    The sun will always, always shine!
    (But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)

    'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
    Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
    We are beautiful in every single way
    Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
    So don't you bring me down today

    Don't you bring me down today
    Don't you bring me down today

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    Replies
    1. Im not sure of your name. But thank you. I think I needed this more then I knew.. :)

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  5. Beautiful disaster...Believe it or not, God can help you. Start with a simple prayer in the morning and one at night, always being thankful for another day. Stick with it and good things will begin to happen.

    Don't give up on marriage and relationships. The relationship you should be most concerned with is the one you have with yourself. Be your own best friend! You deserve it!

    Hang in there and keep writing. Keep loving your kids...keep loving yourself!

    Linda

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    Replies
    1. Loving myself is something I have struggled with for years. That stems from a number of things that someday I will have to blog on for everyone to understand where I am coming from. Relationships aren't something I am looking for anyways.. I don't have faith and I believe that just because I am going through hard times, now is not the time to renew my faith. It should be something I want to do willingly and not just because. Faith in God is not something I have ever had, and Im not sure I want to start now.

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