Search This Blog

Friday, March 30, 2012

A New Beginning, Or A Bittersweet End?

So, you have read in a few of my blogs about me talking about my father. His name is Jack. He is 41 years old, and works for an excavating company, operating a crane. He is married to a woman named Sheri, and he has two kids. Me (26) and Jack III (19).

I met him for the very first time the summer of 1999. I remember the day very well, because that same day I had attended the Local Gay Parade downtown with my grandmother and I was still sporting the gay colors everywhere. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sooo scared, and so nervous. I had all of these thoughts raising through my head. Would he like me? Do I look like him? What if he doesn't want me around? All sorts of crazy things. But I met him, my grandmother, grandfather, aunt and  baby cousin all in the same day. Which was something I hadn't expected. I talked to my stepmother mostly, because just as I am quiet, so is my father (inherited trait) And I never spoke with him again. At least not until 2002 when he became a grandfather for the first time. I figured he had a right to know. But that didn't make a difference, because even then he wasn't worried about staying in contact with me.

I later down the road, became close with my Aunt. Her and I seemed to have a lot of things in common and a lot of things that I was eager to learn. About my father, my family history, my heritage, just about any and everything I wanted to know. But still not really close with my father.

Him and I never really had a relationship. Maybe once a month him and I would go to lunch and discuss my kids, the weather or whatever may or may not have been going on with him. Neither one of us are really big on talking. And if I needed $10 I would call him up, because after all a small part of me felt I deserved something from him. Our "relationship" stayed like this until 2010.

Then my grandfather had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. He died 2 days later in his sleep. I remember being up at the hospital and him grabbing my hand just squeezing it. To this day, I am not even sure he knew who I was, he was so out of it. The next day comes and I hear a rumor floating around, that I only wanted my father around for his money.

I was PISSED. And I am not a person who sits and bites her tongue, OR believe in rumors. So I called his wife right up and asked about it. Well the rumors were true, and when I asked him about it, he says "Well, she hasn't been wrong so far." And I haven't spoken to him since. I was heartbroken!

I couldn't believe that my own father would think I only wanted him around for money, when that was something I RARELY ever got from him or ever asked for. I feel as if he chose his wife over me, and that is something you don't do.

So just a few weeks ago, I was at a friend's benefit dinner and I run into him. I was scared, nervous. Wondering if he would say anything, and he walks right out the door. I got up and left. I wasn't sure what to think. Then a couple days later the same friend tells me that he told her that he "misses" me...

And I quickly got angry. If he missed me so much, why didn't he come and say something to me? Why hasn't he called? Why hasn't he stopped by? He has always known where I have been, I've always had the same phone number. Nothing has changed! He has yet to even meet his youngest granddaughter!

So Im torn. Should I take the next step and contact him, or wait for him to contact me? Should I even bother, and let it be?

My youngest daughter is named after him. I love this man and he will never know. Should it be a new beginning, or should I just face the music and call it a bittersweet end?

Lost My Mind

Most days, I actually believe I have lost my mind. Spending sooo much time with my children never having a break. It gets very stressful and very overwhelming fast.

"Mom, Im hungry!"
"Mom, he's touching me!"
"Mom, Katie won't let me play with her"
"Mom, Im thirsty"
"Mom, can we go outside to play"

Then of course, I have my one year old daughter who is just learning to talk, who says Mamamamamammamamamamammamamamamama all day long, set to drive me crazy.

And most days, I can deal with it. I have learned to give my children more constructive things to do then drive me crazy. But after days and even weeks of hearing the same things come out of my children's mouths, I wonder.. Have I lost my mind? Or was my mother right when she said I would have children three times as worse as me?

I mostly think that I have lost my mind. I mean after all, wouldn't you? Being 26 years old raising 3 kids on your own? Plus going through a nasty divorce, one medical problem after another, boy scouts, girl scouts, and PTA? It's exhausting. I wonder when I have time to breath let alone do anything else. I have lost my mind taking on all the things I am doing. So I learned to balance things out!

Not to have boy scouts, girl scouts, and PTA all in one week. Not to schedule one appointment after another and when and where to pick my battles, especially with my children!

But most of all, I have learned to take time and TEACH myself, how to pamper myself. Because I wasn't ever any good at "being a girl" I always just threw my hair up, found a comfy pair of sweats and t shirt and call it good. 

I have learned to take bubble baths, and to blog when my day is that horrible, and to just breath. Because I think that just because you are breathing, doesn't mean you are alive. 

So, I walk. I walk and walk and walk until it kills me, why? Because that is how I channel everything that is going on in my life and how I focus things. And I garden, I love to garden. I love planting things and watching them grow and teaching my children these things as well.

These are some of the things that I do, when I feel like I have lost my mind! Well that, and reading. But with everything I have going on, it's a wonder I have time to shower let alone anything else!


So truth be told, I live far from an adventurous life, I never have...

Growing up, we didn't have a lot of things. After all I was the girl that everyone liked to call "Trailer Trash" because I spent most of my high school years living in a trailer court. We weren't rich, or even had money for anything. I was the girl who got all of her things as "hand me down's" or from the local thrift shop.

We weren't the type of family who got to take family vacations or got to go on trips across the states or anything of the sorts. So when kids at school would say things like "I went to the beach this summer" Or "We went to the mountains over winter break." I would just shrug it off, because how on Earth can you miss something you have never experienced? It just wouldn't happen.

By the time I had met my biological father's family, I was 13 and going through a lot. But I didn't really stay in contact with him until I gave birth to my oldest daughter at the age of 16. That was when I found out how "well off" my father was. He had a lot of money, he had a great job that he has had for over 20 years now. Making $55 an hour sitting on his ass operating a crane. At that time, it was awkward for me to try and "get to know" this man that didn't want me all those years ago. So we hadn't talked much. So I started bonding with my aunt. She then proceeded to tell me how she had 3 wheelers and 4 wheelers and all these cars, that I knew in my heart of hearts I would never be able to afford, and asked me to go on vacation with her later that summer to Georgia to meet my other Aunt whom I had never met. So I did...

I was 19 years old before I had ever seen the ocean, and I fell in love with it. My wonderful daughter was only 3 and she had already experienced more out of life then I had ever dreamed. I was sooo in love with the ocean, and everything about it, that by the time I was home, 3 weeks later, that is all I craved.

Im not sure if *is* the ocean I crave or if it was the adventure of that trip. It was the first time I had been on a boat, the first time I had seen a sea turtle, the very first time I ever went outdoors in a 2 piece bathing suit, the first time I had ever tried seafood and the first time I actually had the privilege of bonding with my biological father's family.

But I loved it! My daughter loved it and even to this day she remembers that trip. I know, she was only 3 but she remembers Georgia as if it happened yesterday.

Is it the adventure I seek, or something else? I guess I will never know..

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What Would You Do?

So, Im in a bit of a pickle and I will take any thoughts/advice I can get! Here's the story.

This afternoon, I was walking with a friend to pick my kids up from school, its a good mile walk altogether. And on the way back, we picked up her nephews so they would be worn out as well Lol And this boy, whom is the same age as my daughter kept asking her to come walk by him. And I knew that she had liked him a little bit, because she kept telling him "No, Im walking with my mom" and kept going..

When we got back home, she instantly came in to do her homework. Because the rule is that she is not allowed to play outside until all homework/chores are completed. So he followed her inside, because she needed the dictionary and I don't have one. So I pulled up the internet and put her on LOL Im ghetto I know..

He says "I can help you" and I am sitting on my porch just conversating with my friend, and I peek in every now and then to check on them.

After homework, they came outside to play with the other kids ( I had 7 kids here today) and shortly after they leave. When they are gone my daughter informs me that she didn't do her homework, HE did. SAY WHAT? Noooo my child. I nipped that in the butt. It's ok to have HELP with our homework, but its not ok to have boys do our homework LOL

Then she says, "Will you ask "insert name here" if him and I can be study buddies?"

My stomach hit the floor... LOL I couldn't believe that my daughter was bold enough to ask a boy this question, like EVER.

Instantly, my mind fast-forwarded to when she is 16, dating boys.

I called EVERYONE I knew and told them the story LOL I was in awww at my 10 year old daughter.. After all she is 10, not 16.

My mother says, I need to nip it in the butt before she thinks it is ok to ask any boy she wants to be "study buddies" and Im said, "Mom, she's 10 what is the worst that could happen?!" LOL

She is 10 years old and wants a study buddy that she also has a crush on, and he also has this same little crush on her. I don't see the harm in it, as long as there is adult supervision. They are only 10 after all.

If it were your daughter, would you let it happen?

My Eyes Adored You

When I met the man that I consider my true love in life, I believe it or not, met him on the internet. I was doing a lot of blogging back in the day on Myspace, so any free time I had spent, it was on Myspace talking to him and blogging.

See, on Myspace I had random guys ALL the time sending me messages wanting to talk. But something about this guy, really had me interested. He sent me a message and said "You are beautiful." I was constantly getting messages that would say. "Hey Sexy" Or "You Wanna F*ck!?" And I would just ignore him. But he told me I was beautful.

I was leery at first of talking or trying to "hook up" on the internet. I mean after all, you can't find love on the internet, can you? I didn't believe it. But I kept my mind open to anything, because at that point in my life, I had absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. So I rolled with it.

Talking to him on the internet, telephone, etc.. And then the question came up, and I knew it would happen eventually, I just denied it really.. You know what question, "Can we meet?"

I was scared to meet anyone off the internet. I even told him I was scared. Because you just never know what kind of weirdo, creeps you will find on the internet, ya know? I wasn't trying to find a stalker, or someone sort of psycho serial killer LOL

But after avoiding it long enough, I finally gave in. Because after all the conversations and really long talks, that didn't involve sex whatsoever I can admit I was interested in a guy on the internet. But I didn't do it alone, I took my sister and her then boyfriend with me and we kept things public. We went downtown. Lots and Lots of people down there. LOL And it was a little less awkward, and I knew he wasn't a serial killer because he brought his son. I felt relieved LOL

Everything went well, and we spent a lot of time talking, and being around each other. He took me out on a few dates, which was *new* for me because I had never actually been out on a date before, not a real one. And things started getting serious.

He moved in with me, just a short time after that. Because I can admit, it didn't take me long before I fell in love with this man. I absolutely adored him. While we were together, we never argued, never fought. I never had to repeatedly tell him that to put the toilet seat down LOL This man even cooked for me! I have yet to ever find a man that will cook for me, except him.

Then a lot of love and time later, we had decided that we would get married. I was sooo excited about it. I loved this man, and in my heart of hearts I knew (know) I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I just knew it. But I also knew what my family would think. Because it wasn't but a few months of us being together that I knew I wanted to marry him. They would tell me I was too young, or moving to fast or something along those lines. But I didn't care. I loved him, and I wanted this more then anything in the world.

Even to this day, he doesn't even know that I had our entire wedding planned out. I had my  dress picked out, the colors, the place, I even knew exactly what I wanted the invitations to look like and what I wanted him to wear. I even had our first song picked out.

But a lot of things happened to both of us. I was drinking to much, he was drinking to much. I had a lot going on in court with my son. He had his own personal issues and against my own wishes, we went our separate ways. But not a day in my life have I ever stopped thinking about him or his children.

I moved on, and so did he. I ended up marrying the second biggest douche on the planet, and screwing up my life. And he moved from Nebraska to Alabama. And we have been apart since then.

I love this man with every fiber of my being, I can't even put the love I have for him into words. I adored him, and if I wouldn't have gotten my tubes tied, I would have tons of his babies Lol..

There have been quite a few times, that if it weren't for him. I don't know where I would be today. I keep no secrets from him. He is the love of my life, he is my best friend and I think he always will be. I talk and even text him almost daily. Because I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

I just hope, that one day we have that chance again. To be able to spend the rest of my life with him would be the greatest gift (besides my children..) that I would ever have.

I adored him, and I still do. He's got my heart! Always has and he always will...

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Outside My Bubble

So, I've had a ton of things going on lately. If you have ready any of my past blogs then you already know. It's just life, or my life I should say. Just when I think that things are finally starting to go great, the other shoe always drops! It never fails. That's just how it works in my life. And after so many years of this happening you would think I would be used to it by now. But it still drives me crazy insane when it happens. I get depressed quickly, and overwhelmed and feel overworked and underappreciated frequently. But Im learning to adapt.

In the last few days since my last blog, I have taken sometime to really think about my life and where I believe it's headed and what's going to happen next. And I haven't been able to answer any of these questions, not even tonight while I sit here and blog about it. I don't know where my life is headed, and I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. But fuck it! I'm going to embrace today while I'm here.

I've recently started doing things that are considered "out of the ordinary" for me. See I am a very tedious person most days. I plan for things, and if it isn't planned then I won't do it. I have a set schedule that goes in my brain the night before and that's what I do. Well instead of just working on my set schedule I am doing things outside of my bubble.

For instance, I randomly decided that I was going to start being around more people. Because on most days, I may get tired of being alone, but all in all I enjoy being alone. I don't have to deal with drama and bullshit, and I don't have to hear about other people's drama and bullshit and I am just fine being by myself.

But I figured if I was really dead set on changing my life, I needed to start out with simple things and work my way up to the big things. That was my plan. So I started being around other people, daily. It's been overwhelming for me, but I am doing it anyway. I was diagnosed awhile back with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I don't remember the correct term for it, accept Anti-Social. Because I don't like being around people, I hate being in large crowds and I hate noise in general. So that was my first step.

I also decided that I would start walking again (against my doctors orders) because I enjoy walking. Walking is just as relaxing for me as sitting by a fire reading a book. It clears my head and hey, if I am lucky I will lose some of this god awful weight while I am at it. With summer coming and all. I also having a walking partner. So on the days that I may need the extra motivation, I have her.

I also decided, that since I can't work at all, that I am going to get out and do something with my life. School is not an option, thanks to some idiot who jumped the gun on some paperwork, but maybe I can find something else to do with my time. So I have decided that I am going to push the paperwork I originally started to start and run PTA at my children's school, because believe it or not, they do not have PTA and this school is in desperate need of it. Most of what I will be doing, can be done from sitting right here at home on my computer, or on the telephone, well except for the meetings and such. Because if there is one thing that I am good at, it's organzing things. I think thats most the OCD thing I have, but who knows Lol

I think the best way for me to change things is to step outside of my bubble and just change one thing at a time, one day at a time. If I set my goals to high, it would be like I am already setting myself up to fail and I can't have anymore failures this year, It's already been hard enough.

But I can let go of what's already happened and take my babymama's advice and keep the past in the past. Let go of what's already happened and try and change things for the better, for my kids sake. I may not know how my bills will be paid, but I need to let it go and try and do what is best for my kids. I know in my heart it will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end. I just have to hold on for one more day..

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I Love My Babymama

Once in awhile, whether on my blog or on facebook you will hear me talking about my babymama. And people will say, "Your babymama?" and sound confused, because Im already a babymama how in the hell do I *have* a babymama?

It's simple really. My son's father had a girlfriend after we were together, and they had a child. So naturally they are brother and sister. She is my babymama and is one of my best friends now.

In the beginning we didn't like each other, at all. In fact I will go as far as saying that we (or at least I) had nothing but hate for her. I didn't even want to look at her, or be around her in the same room.

Then Jonathan's father and her were no longer together and things changed for both of us. She finally saw everything that I had been saying was true and we started talking. At first it was just facebook and then it was face to face.

We had a long conversation (and then some LOL) and we have been friends ever since. I talk to her at least once a day if not more. We see each other, not just because our kids are brother and sister but because we are friends too. She shares things with me, and I share (or whine as I call it) with her as well. And both of us have a mutual hate for our babydaddy LOL

And other then the fact that we have children together we both have one other thing in common. We may have hate for him now, but at some point and time we both loved him. And needless to say we were both entirely stupid for doing that too.. haha

She's my babymama, and I will always be here for her and I hope she feels the same. She isn't just a friend, she is family. And I do believe that her and I will always get along. But if a day comes that we don't. I know that unlike their father, her and I will still communicate well enough to make sure that brother and sister get to see each other. Her and I see eye to eye when it comes to family. Family, is the most important thing in your life. 

She is family, and I got nothing but love for her...

♥ Babymama Love 

The Look In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else tells me they see.

I see pain, loss, heartache, troubles, rage and fat LOL

I always hear from people, "You should smile more, you have a beautiful smile!" and I always respond with, "I don't have anything to smile about."

Which for the most part is true. See I haven't blogged recently because I have been just plain tired. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I mean, who

wouldn't be after awhile? I am a single mother of 3 kids all of which are 5 years apart. They keep me busy enough. But to add everyday life, and worries? Not to mention the grocery store, appointments, school functions, etc!? I get very tired.

But I am sooo very sad right now. I am sad, because I have reached this point right now in my life, where I just feel defeated. So I sat for a few days just watching the rain, trying to figure out what the hell to do with everything that I have going on. And for the life of me, I couldn't come up with anything. At that very moment I had given up.

So with some advice from a fellow blogger. I decided that I would try and work on the things that I could control, versus what I can't. So I started to clean. But I stopped almost instantly, because I thought, "Whats the point, I won't be here much longer anyways!?"

So I just threw in the towel, and I started drinking and feeling sorry for myself and not knowing what was going to happen and I just let go. Which is something that takes a lot for me to do, because I am the type of person, to where it doesn't matter how big or small, I always fight. But not that day. I just threw in the towel. Gave up on everything completely. I just didn't care anymore about anything.

The next morning, I woke up and went in my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself and thought, "What the hell is wrong with you? You know that this will get you nowhere and you may have felt great drinking, but you know damn well it won't solve ONE problem."

And I finally decided that part of me is going to let it go. I am going to let go of the fact that it isn't anything that I can control. I have to let things just happen. If it's for the better, then great. But if it ends up falling apart, maybe it was just supposed to happen this way and I am just supposed to be somewhere else. Which really scares me, because I just can't see myself anywhere but here.

So I have decided that every morning I am going to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself to let it go. To not let it stress me out so bad that I can't stand being in my own skin, I just need to let it go and let things happen they way they are supposed to.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. But I will get there..

Whatcha think, sound like a good plan to you guys too?

It Is What It Is

When I am writing a blog, it's usually quite easy for me to do. My inspiration for them, comes from my life. My family, friends, and children. What Im going to talk about now is very personal, about my family and my children.

5 years ago on November 17, 2006 I gave birth to my only son. His first name came from my younger brother, who passed away in 1990 from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). His middle name came from my Uncle Jimmy whom had passed away in 1998. Thus my son, Jonathan James Williams was born. He weighed in at 7lbs 8oz and was 19 and 3/4 inches tall.

At the time my son was born, his father and I were not together. But his entire family, including him was present for the birth. The very first words that came out of his father's mouth was "He's not mine" and he left moments after that. His family stayed, because even they knew it was his son. He however didn't believe it until almost 9 months later when he wanted a DNA test, and no surprise it was his son.

He then proceeded with court options. First he tried to take him away from me, until he realized that was never going to happen. Then he filed for visitation rights, which were well within his rights as a father to do. I didn't like it, and I fought it every step of the way, but what could I do? I knew even then that my son was better off without him. He wasn't mature enough or mentally capable of taking care of our son.

In the midst of all this court drama that I was being led through (save that blog for a different day) He was with another woman. While he was with this other woman they had a child together, which would be Jonathan's half sister. 

I was dead set that I didn't want my son up there, at any cost. He was constantly coming home with bruises and talking about how this that and the other was happening while he was down there, but my son was only 2. Anything that he said wouldn't hold up in court and I couldn't prove ANYTHING. So I did what any mother in her right mind would do, I kept my son home from visitation. Two days later, his lawyer filled Contempt of Court charges against me, and believe you, me I was damn happy to do the time as long as my son was home safe. But his lawyer later on dropped that charge, but there were many contempt charges against me, but it was all the same. Because I wouldn't send him on his visits.

It almost killed me watching my son go through these things and legally there wasn't a thing I could do. I fought and fought and I even ended up putting not just my son, but my oldest daughter in Therapy because of everything that was going on. It was taking it's toll on my daughter as well, who didn't understand why he would want to take her brother away from her. Needless to say his visitation continued. Until a little after he turned 4. I found out he broke up with his girlfriend. And less then a month later, he came to my house wanting to be with me.

At first, I just played it off as him playing his games, because that's what he is good at is games. But then he started talking serious and I wasn't sure what to do. My gut told me to just roll with it. Because if his father was here, then my son wouldn't be off doing God only knows what wherever. So I played the "we are together" game for awhile and it worked. Less then a month later, I told him to get out of my house and he hasn't seen his son since.

Now, he refuses to speak to me whatsoever and doesn't have any contact with his son at all. However, he does indeed have regular visitation with his daughter. I know this, because I talk to her almost everyday. She has actually became one of my very close friends. Her and I socialize quite a bit. I make the drive down to Lincoln when I can, and she does the same when she can. 

However, their father wants to keep them apart. Why, I'm not 100% sure. It baffles even me as to why a father wouldn't want siblings to be around each other. But what really gets me is that he will have vistation with one child and not the other.. 

I just think it is what it is. My son is better off without him in his life, because buying gifts, doesn't make you a father. You can't buy a child's love no matter how hard you try. Why do things have to be this way? Who knows. Maybe it's just my son's destiny. I do my best, as a single mother of 3. But he is a boy, he needs a man around, he needs a father.

My son is kind, sweet, compassionate, funny, good lookin and just a joy to be around. He is missing out on a great little boy, who will grow to be an amazing man and father one day. But I see it as his loss. My son isn't missing out on anything at all. And it doesn't matter how hard his father tries to keep brother and sister apart. It won't happen. They are family, her daughter is family to me and that's the way it will always be, whether he likes it or not.

It just is what it is... 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Cuz That's How I Roll

So, I was sitting here thinking about all the bullshit I got going on in my life and I had a bit of a revelation. Not a big enough one, to remove my ass from this chair. But the kind that has me looking at things a little more differently this evening.

3 months after the ex hubby and I got married, he had decided that instead of going to work and doing what needed to do, he got what I now call his "3 month itch" and decided that he was going to hop on a bus and head to live with his two faced mommy in Oklahoma. I was beyond angry. I was hurt, confused, worried, and felt just plain worthless.

The mistake that he made was that he left all of his belongings in my possession. Because after all, I wasn't even worth a fuck you, let alone anything else. So I took advantage of the fucked up situation he left me in.

So I decided to BURN all of his shit. Yes, you heard me right. My crazy ass decided that I was going to start up that bonfire in my backyard and burn everything that he owned, or anything that reminded me of him.  This is what it looked like:

These were his clothes, that I ohh so loved throwing into the fire. The kind of release I felt. I felt like a completely different person this day. October 8, 2009. Is it strange that I remember the day? I called my then best friend at the time and gloated. She was a friend that I had met on the internet and lived in Oklahoma. Just so happened she still lives only about a mile away from his mother. I had warned her that if she seen him, to do me a huge favor and sock him a good one for me.

That's me, picking up his C-PAP machine (breathing machine) he needed for sleeping, yep, thats me rockin my Stewie pants ~~>

I had a lot of anger racing through my veins that day. I wasn't even sure how I felt really. Besides abandoned. I mean who does that? Who gets married and 3 months later decides that you just don't want to be married anymore.

Apparantly I didn't learn my lesson, because I took his dumb ass back. But I did learn a lot about myself from this experience and about the man that I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But I had figured, I made the vows. I owed to myself, my children and God to try and do any and everything in my power to make my marriage work. It wasn't the last of his "3 month itches" but this last time was the very last for me.

This is what I did, just this last September. Yes, I hear all the time that I have a lot of anger and a lot of rage built up in me.

Yep, you are sure seeing that right. I stood right in my kitchen and burned the keepsake certificate for our marriage. I later on decided that I was going to burn the real thing when I found it, and I sure did.

But my point is that I need to look at my life differently. I need to think about things the way I used to. When I didn't care what anyone thought, or how anyone felt about anything and stop caring like I did.

I may not deal with the stress in my life the way everyone in this world might think I need to. Or I may have some that read this and not come back. But I really don't care anymore. I need to feel like I used to. I need to have the faith that I used to and I need to be able to say "Fuck it, whatever happens will happen" like I used to. If I can't pay my bills next month, then I can't. Maybe I am just not meant to be here after all.

I need my strength back. I need to feel whole again. And yeah, I get it. One day at a time. But really, I think I will take things one HOUR at a time because I think that's all I can handle these days.

But for now, I think I will continue on with my bonfires, cuz that's just how I roll.... 

Life Does Go On... Pt 2

So, after posting this I ended up staying up for I don't even know how long just thinking. I stayed up thinking about how I would change this, or fix that or let go of it all. Because I'm not a person who holds grudges, but I also can't let go either. Especially when it comes to my kids, It takes me awhile to just let go and move on.

And I just don't know how to move forward. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated. I don't know what to do to turn things around. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen, or some kind of sign that things are going to be ok, but here I sit with absolutely no idea what I am going to do about anything.

I am about 11 days shy of my landlord calling me and asking for rent. Yeah, he really does call right on the 1st of the month wanting his rent and I don't have a penny of it. I have no idea where it's going to come from.  This is probably the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing how in the hell I am going to keep a roof over my children's head, or if I will even have a roof this time next month. 

So I've been trying not to focus on the things I can't control and focus more of the things I can control, the things that are right in front of me. But I always managed to get sidetracked and stuck right back with the "What the hell am I going to do" thoughts, and I can't ever make them go away. So I can't sleep. I never seem to sleep very much anymore.

So I try to keep myself as busy as I can. And with my 3 lil ones I am pretty busy, but that doesn't ever stop my mind. So I play music, well because music is my therapy. Music is what keeps me sane! Well that and coffee and cigarettes. But I stay busy. Because If I stay busy then my mind is busy and I don't have time to think about all the bullshit that is happening around me that I can't control.

I am soooooo tired of not feeling in control. Everything is falling apart and I can't control any of it. All I can do is sit and wait for another shoe to drop, and it's one of the most horrible feelings in the world.

I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. And mostly, I need a friend. Someone who will come over and listen to me whine and bitch and moan and still be able to tell me I'TS GOING TO BE OKAY....

Monday, March 19, 2012

Life Does Go On... Pt 1

I have had so many things happen to me recently, that most days I am struggling to get out of bed. I am depressed and seeking help for it. But I still struggle a lot more then I will ever admit. Most days I just feel broken, inside and out.

Then I thought, instead of just focusing on everything that I feel is broken, I need to just start all over again. But how do you start all over again, when you feel like everyone and everything is standing in your way? Maybe I need to just stand up, and just create a better future. But these days, I am not sure how to do that either. And I keep hearing "One Day At A Time" but that just seems like bologna to me. I think that telling someone, one day at a time is crappy advice. And I may even be a hypocrite for saying that because I am sure that at some point and time I have given that same advice. But it's a load of crap when you struggle with depression and stress in your life constantly.

Yesterday, I went to a friend's benefit dinner. She recently found out that her father has cancer, so they organized a spaghetti dinner in his honor. I did indeed attend, even though for most of the evening I sat by myself, because I didn't know anyone. All of a sudden I hear a voice I recognize, so I immediately turn around. It was in fact, my father. The father of which I didn't even know until I was 13 and finally decided to seek out. I looked at him, he looked at me. And then turned and walked towards someone else. He had acted as if he didn't even knew I existed. My emotions were all ready on the fritz because of  everything that was going on. But to have my father look at me straight in the eyes and walk away like I didn't even exist? Who does that?
..not a father
not a man..

A COWARD does that.

Then he had the nerve to tell my friend that he wasn't going to speak to me because I was "mad" at him? You are damn right I am mad! When you looked at me in the face and chose your WIFE over me, who runs around town telling everyone that I only want you around for your money. That hurts. It hurts that you choose your wife over your flesh and blood. But at least, even in the midst of my anger towards him, I don't deny that he exists. Because unlike my father, I actually give a shit about people, and how they feel. And how every single action a person takes, there is a consequence. 

I have tried to say I don't care about him, or I don't care what anyone around that small little town thinks of me. But a piece of me really does care, or it wouldn't make me so angry. He is my father after all. 

Then I realized, that things can only make me angry, if I let it make me angry. If I actually let it control me in a way that is will affect my daily life. So starting tomorrow I will no longer let it bother me. I will no longer give his wife the satisfaction of exactly what she has wanted from the get go. My children and I not in his life. She may think she has won, but in reality I have. Because if that is the kind of person that he is, then that is a person I do not want my children around.

My kids have been driving me crazier then usual lately. I am just fried I think. Spending every waking moment, 24 hours 7 days a week with my children. Never having alone time or me time. I am just exhausted. No, I don't have anyone I can call for help. It's just me all the time. And it's currently even worse, because they are on spring break. There has been more then 1 occasion that I have walked into a different room and had to tell myself to just breathe because everything will be ok. I am not mom of the year by all means, and I do my very best to raise my 3 children on my own, but I will definitely be thankful for the day that I actually do have help and I am not doing things on my own. I feel tired, broken and just plain fried from everything. But I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world.

Haven't blogged much in the last few days, because my deperession has gotten the best of me and I just don't have any desire to be on the computer. But I am trying to turn things around. I am seeking help for it, and it will take time but things will get better. I have also given my children more constructive things to do during the day, besides driving me crazy. Here are some of the changes I am implementing: 

~I have given my children a chore list (age appropriate of course) So they can help with things around the house, after all they are the ones who make the messes, not mama.

~The weather has gotten nicer, so I have done more walking. I have walked almost 5 miles in the last 3 days. Even if I don't have the desire to look out the window I am forcing myself to get up and out to get some fresh air.

~I have officially given up on my father. He is never going to be a "dad" in my life, or a grandfather for my children. So I am no longer wasting my time on a clearly lost cause...

But then I have nights like tonight, where I am all alone and have nothing but time to think, and I can't help but feel like none of it makes a difference. It doesn't matter if I do this that or the other because everything will remain the same, I just don't care whether it does or not..

.... I will continue the rest in the morning....

Makin A List And Checkin It Alot..

So I have this list in my head of all these things I want to accomplish in life. But I have realized that about 85% of what I want to do is just not logical. So I have cut my list down to things that I know without a doubt I can accomplish. Some may only take awhile, and the rest a lifetime. Only time will tell :)

1) I would like to one day, be able to tell someone that I love myself.

I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I do not love myself. I don't love anything about myself, my looks, my body, my personality. Absolutely nothing. And it has sometimes left me wondering how I love anyone else, if I can't love myself?

2) I'd like to better manage my pain.

This is something I will have to work with my doctors about. But as of today, I have good days and bad days. Mostly bad days. But I want to be able to go outside and throw a ball around with my children without feeling like I need to sit down because my body is just toooo tired to stand up and do it.

3) One day, I'd like to fall in love again.

I think one of the greatest feelings in the world, is loving someone and being loved the same in return. I've never made the right kind of choices in men. But I am hoping one day it will happen for me again. I just don't feel complete without love in my life..(besides my children of course.)

4) I would love to lose weight

My doctor put me on a steroid medication not long ago that made me gain almost 40 pounds. When I put on the weight, I struggled more with my back. So I'm not capable of doing much but with the weather turning nicer I am very capable of walking, so I have walked almost 5 miles in the last 3 days. Overworking it a little I know, but I will get back to a descent weight that will not kill  the rest of my body.

5) I will better teach my children the life lessons they need to know.

I need to teach my daughters the things they will need to know as a woman, but also the things they will need to take care of if they don't have a man around. By that I mean, changing a tire if she has a flat, or showing her how to change the oil in a car. It's nice to have a man around, but as a female she will need to learn these things. I will also teach my son to be sensitive to others, not to make him a "sissy" but to teach him to have manners, and show respect for women, and also how to be a "man" around the house for the long awaited day that he is on his own and will need to take care of himself.

So those are my top 5 things I want to work on. Like I said, some may only take a short time and the rest may take awhile. But I have nothing but time on my hands, so one day at a time :)

Friday, March 16, 2012


So I learned that last night, my great-grandmother past away. I am still not 100% all of the details of what had happened, but if I had to guess it was just old age. She died at the wonderful age of 101. She was a great woman. And although I hadn't known her long, I do know that she made an impact on everyone she met. My youngest daughter is named after her.

I remember the very first time I met her, She had never seen a picture of me, and never met me before. But when I walked up to her, she looked me in the eyes and said "You are Jack's daughter." A woman I had never met, knew exactly who I was. Because see, I didn't come back in contact with my biological father until I was 13 years old. This family knew I existed, but it wasn't until I reached out to them that I became part of the family. And even after all these years, Im still not sure Im part of the "family" But that's a different blog.

She was a very stubborn woman. She found herself listening to her indian music all day long, and thought she was being very sneaky by pouring a shot of brandy in her morning coffee. Of course we all knew what she was up too, but she thought she was being sneaky.

I am half indian for those that don't know that already. Lakota Sioux. And for Lucille's whole 101 years of life, she lived in the reservation. I loved it on the reservation. The peace and quiet, the nature, the horses. I just loved it. I learned the Lakota Language from her, and from my aunt as well. I still to this day, don't know very much of it. But it's still a learning curve for me and I have the rest of my life to master it.

Burials are different on the reservation then in the "real world" There are traditions and rituals that take place.  Now, my grandmother won't be on the top of a hill, but instead inside a cottage in Wounded Knee. She will be buried right next to her brother Im assuming. I will not be able to make it because of my finances but I do so wish I could be there. Nowadays, limbs aren't cut off either. But below is a run through of the ritual.

The physical body of a deceased Sioux was placed in trees or on wooden (scaffold) platforms high enough to protect the body from animals and wrapped in hides and allowed to decay until nothing of the body was left. Well known leaders were buried in secret places, unknown places, if the family or friends were able to do that for the individual. Today, they are buried in cemeteries as is done in other cultures. Many Native American cemeteries are in hard to find, isolated places.

Grieving is a natural process with those who lose a loved one, whether it be a family member or friend or someone known or admired. There is no set time to finish this rite because it depends on where the closest mourners to the dead person are in their personal grieving process. When they have come to a point where they are ready, that is when the ceremony for releasing the soul is held.

Some tribes practices for mourning included those close to the deceased painting their faces black, cutting their long hair short, and cutting of their arms and legs to show their grief. Sometimes a relative would remain at the burial site and keen for several days. The dead person would have been dressed in their best clothing and prized items were wrapped in the animal robes encasing the body.

This sacred rite helps the transition of mourning the loss to it becoming less painful and takes much time to do. It resolves an unfinished life, helps the healing process and recovery by those left behind as well as helping the soul to reach Wakan Tanka. It provides a way to comfort and heal the hearts and souls of the people.

White Buffalo Cow (or Calf) Woman told the people that when they die their souls needed to be purified to be with the Great Mystery or Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka. She gave them a Sacred Pipe and a small round stone to conduct the Keeping of the Soul rite.
The Sacred Pipe bowl is made from red stone (pipe stone) and represents Earth. A buffalo carved on the pipe bowl represents all animals that have four legs. The wooden stem represents all growing things. The eagle feathers hanging from the pipe represent the winged nation.

The rounded stone made of  pipestone has seven circles carved on it to represent the seven sacred rituals that White Buffalo Cow Woman told the people they are given to help them be good people and walk the Red Road to be with the Great Spirit or Great Mystery when their soul leaves this world.

To free or release the soul, a special tipi is constructed and sacred tobacco (kinnikinnik) is smoked with the sacred pipe so the smoke sends thoughts, voices and special prayers to Wakan Tanka. Some foods are offered to Mother Earth by burying them. Black Elk says that the first ceremony was for a young boy and relates the special prayers and songs for this ceremony.

Sacred tobacco (kinnikinnik) is made from the dried inner bark of the Red Alder or the Red Dogwood, mixed with an equal part of Ree Twist Tobacco and a smaller portion of a fragrant herb or root. Sweet Ann root is often used.

A lock of hair is taken from the dead person and purified using smoke from sweet grass.
The lock of hair is then carefully wrapped in a piece of sacred buckskin to make up the Soul Bundle and hung up inside the special tipi. The body itself is wrapped and taken away and placed in a tree or on a scaffold platform if no trees are near by. In this way the body is given back to the elements from which it came, winds, rains, the birds and the Earth itself all gain from absorbing the body.

The Soul Bundle is kept by a family member or other volunteer who agrees to live a "harmonious" life until the soul can be freed. This can be longer than a year if the keeper of the Soul Bundle feels it is necessary. The Soul Bundle Keeper must not allow any bad people within the tipi, they can not argue or fight with others and need to always keep the dead person's soul in their minds. All words must be good around and from the Bundle Keeper for the duration of the ceremony. They must not ever use a knife for any purpose while in this position of protection.

A special buffalo hunt was held and a cow buffalo portioned off and butchered to give to the the Bundle Keeper for the ceremony. The meat was dried and mixed with cherries and tallow and saved for the release of the soul ceremony.  The hide is specially tanned and used to cover the bundle. The family of the deceased member give a part of their food to the earth each meal. If others bring gifts they are specially wrapped and saved to be later given away to others who are poor or needy.

The Soul Bundle is then carried out of the tipi to a new special tipi for a short ceremony where meat and berry juice is used. The Soul Bundle Keeper tells the family that if they live good lives the memory of their loved one will remain in others memories. Four young girls chosen for their purity take part in this ceremony. He speaks to the Soul Bundle asking the soul to remember those left behind and to help them all walk the Red road, sacred path. Then, the Soul Bundle is taken outside and  immediately opened to release the dead person's soul.

The family may keep the lock of hair if they chose. Some tribes burn it along with personal objects owned by the deceased person.

The Lakota believe that the soul rises up to the Milky Way (Ghost Road) and finds their way to Maya Owichapaha, translated as "The old woman who judges each soul." If the old woman finds the soul worthy of joining Wakan Tanka, she sends the soul to the right.
Souls sent to the left remained there until they could become worthy  to join Wakan Tanka.

After the ceremony concludes, feasting and give-aways occur. Gifts like the well-known Lakota Star Quilt, other kinds of quilts and blankets are an important part of the give away held after the burial ceremony.

She was a great woman and she is loved and missed by many

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

GBE #43 ~ Shenanigans

Ohh, do I know all about shenanigans, I live it every single day! Here is what happened just today alone.

"Mommmm, tell Butta (his nickname) he has to get dressed for school!"

"Mommmm, tell Katie she is not my mom, she can't make me do anything!"

This was all before school even started! They get home from school...

"Son, put the ketchup up, it is NOT finger paint!!"

"Katie, get your itty bitty training bra out of my freezer, you are watching to much tv girl!"

"Get your finger out of your nose, boogers are not part of the food group!"

Then it comes dinner time. And my kids seem to think that they are God's give to everyone and think they need to decide dinner!

"Mom, can we have pizza?"

"No, you had that last night, we aren't eating it every night!"

"Well why not, I like pizza?"

"Because I said so, that's why!"

"I hate you mom, it's not fair, you are never fair!"

"Life is not fair honey, get used to it while you are young!"

"You always say that, ughh I don't like you right now!"

"Well I love you, and you will like me again once you need something!"

5 minutes later...

"Mom, Can I go to the center after school tomorrow?"

Now, WHY would I do that, since you don't like me and all??"

Shenanigans.. my house is full of them..

And this was just today, I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Insane In The Mom Brain

I get up at 7am every single day. I get up. Get my 2 kids dressed, fed and ready for school. Drop them off at 830am and then I come home and make breakfast for my tiny human.

Then I spend from 9-3ish doing the mom thing. Ya know what that is? Cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands, more cleaning and more laundry, blah blah I could go on and on and on..

3:55pm gets here and it's time to pick the mini me's up from school. Then I get home and do more laundry and more cleaning and more errand running. Yes, I have a nice 3 bedroom house, full attic, full basement that needs tending too and I am the only one who does any of it. If you have kids, you know cleaning house is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing! My 1 year old does a great job of destroying what I clean up.

Unless it pertains to the house or the kids, I don't leave. And when I say I don't leave, I mean I literally do not leave my house. Don't see another adult, human being ever. I sit by myself all day long with a 1 year old daughter to talk to. You know how lonely that gets after awhile?

Don't get me wrong, my kids drive me INSANE but I love them to death and I do everything for them. But I don't see adults, ever. And it gets lonely to  never have an adult conversation. The only adult time I have is the computer. And usually on a daily basis I am SO busy doing for the kids, and cooking cleaning etc, I don't have time to just sit on the computer and do nothing. Between the house, kids and my health problems I am just plain to tired at the end of the day.

And even though I am tired as hell I still don't sleep. On average I sleep about 3-4 hours a night, on a good night I will get 6 hours but that hasn't happened in a very long time. So since Im never around adults, 90% of my day I spend in my head. Between my OCD, Generalized anxiety, my health problems I am alone..

So I blog. I blog because it keeps me SANE right now, and I don't care who or if anyone reads or what anyone thinks while reading them. But I have to or I might go crazy, but since I am already crazy, I don't know what will happen... LOL

I need friends, that are in my area to come and visit every now and then. Or something has got to give. Something has to change before I go completely batty and end up an old single lady with 30 cats!

Im going insaneeeeeeeeee!

For The Love Of Men...

And I can say that, but no offense to any that may or may not be reading this Lol..

Men, I guess you could say I am addicted to them. Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying that I am addicted, I just have a soft spot for them. But I also have the worst taste in men ever. I'm not 100% sure why I chose the guys I do, Im still trying to figure that all out. But if after this anyone sees what Im doing wrong, don't be afraid to holla at your girl ;)

The very first guy I was ever with, was when I was 12 years old. And truth be told, it was on a dare.. LOL Sad, but true. We were kids, what more do you expect? Anyways, we were together off and on for almost 4 years. He ended up being my first love. I would have done anything for him. But of course, we were young and life happened so it never worked out for us again. But to this day, I talk to him and his mother frequently because apart of me will always love him.

The 2nd guy I was with wasn't again until I was 15. When I first met him, I hated him. I thought he was the biggest asshole Id ever seen. But I was going through a lot when I was 15, drinking, smoking pot, etc.. And he was just there for me. To make a very long story short, 4 months after having sex with him, I got pregnant. Ohh yes. I was scared to death. Who wouldn't be at 15? Him and I were together for a year before I finally had enough of his lazy, "I dont think I need to work, its your child" ass. At that time, I was working full time and going to school full time. I didn't need his deadbeat ass around anymore...  That was the last time I ever saw him, and the last he chose to see of his wonderful daughter. He was mean, selfish and greedy. All he cared about was video games and where his next blunt came from. We were both young, and I get it. We shouldnt have had a baby, but If I am not the only one who made the baby, why am I the one to take care of her?

I didn't "date" again for almost 4 years. I was focused on my child and myself. I didn't see that there was anytime for men in my life. Not with being a single mother of 1 and working and going to school. I was just sooo tired... But then I started drinking again, after being sober for years (alcohol and I have a problem when used in excess amounts) and when I was drinking like that, I made even worse decisions. I decided that after years of knowing my neighbor, apparently I needed to sleep with him.. So I did, I never wanted anything serious at first. It was all about sex, and it wasn't even good sex, it was just sex. But I went with it anyways. 3 months later I was pregnant with my now only son. Greatest gift in the world is children. I had already "broken up" with him before I even knew I was pregnant. The kind of man he is, I knew he was bad news from the get go. He was dealing drugs, and doing all kinds of things that I won't even post about, he was just bad news. I didn't tell him, mostly because I knew he wouldn't be a good father and BOY was I right about that one... He later decided to try and fight me for custody (and failed..) but gained every other weekend visitation. Until he knew that I wouldn't be with him, and I haven't heard from him since...

A few months after I found out I was pregnant, I made yet again another horrible MAN choice and dated his COUSIN.. I know what you are thinking, and trust me it was until years later I thought the same thing myself.. But if you knew the family you would know they weren't really family at all (still aren't actually) and I dated the man and stayed with him for a very long time. I loved this man sooo much I even married his dumb ass. This year we would have been together for almost 7 years. But on Valentine's Day of all days, I filed for divorce because I am just getting to old for head games, and being cheated on and told my kids are nothing and blah blah blah I could go on and on about all my man drama but you don't really want to read about it anyways. And it just so happened this man was 10 years older then me, and acted worse then a 25 year old.

Alcohol was my biggest problem. I used alcohol as a way to sort of drowned out my emotions and lower my self esteem. Worse then it actually was even. All of these men were emotionally, mentally and even physically abusive at times. And yet, even to this day I still manage to find men that in some way or another I think I need to "fix" and it shouldn't be that way. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me sometimes.

For the longest time ever, I wondered why I wasn't good enough to have a good enough man who would WANT (not feel obligated) but actually want ME and 3 kids? Because in all reality that is a lot of baggage alone, let alone everything else that comes along with it. Then I figure, I won't search for it, I will just wait for him to find me....

But Im not even sure I want to do that anymore. Im not even sure I want to bother with any of it until I can learn to trust myself again, or even love myself again for that matter. Loving myself is something I have struggled with for years and I just don't know anymore.

I am just a disaster, and worse when it comes to men! I thought about dating women again (casually) but women are drama, and I HATE drama lol... I think I will just stick to casual sex instead?

A girl can't live without sex, I don't care who you are LOL

Friday, March 9, 2012

Beautifully Broken

These last few days I haven't just been sick, but I've been tired too. Just sick and tired of everything lately... I just feel hopeless and haven't had much to talk about the last few days.. If you read my 'Changes' blog you would understand a little bit about things. But it's just everything in general. Maybe Im depressed? just sad? Need some adult time? Im not sure what it is really and I don't get a chance to see the doctor again until right after the first of April..

Going through a divorce, with a man who thinks he will have some sort of power over me by threatening to take the only child we have together away from me. Which even he knows won't work, but he is just doing it to have some sort of power over me. Because with that "man" it was always about power and control. And if he didn't have the power or control over a situation he would flip his lid in ways Im not even ready to talk about.. But it's still a struggle going through all the shit again, with more children (that's a different blog) But I don't think my kids will survive yet another court battle.

They have already been in therapy, and been through so much. I just want to protect them from it all, but that's going to be soo hard to do.

There are my medical issues, that will never stop. All my problems will only get worse and never ever get any better. I have medical issues that prevent me from holding down a job. Because I can't sit for long, or stand for long, or lift things etc.. But Im not "screwed up" enough to qualify for disability. For the last 7 years my sole provider was the ex hubby. Now I can't work, and Im having more problems then any paying bills and trying to take care of my kids. My medical problems alone are enough to lay me out. But being a single mother of 3 is also exhausting.... Im just physically exhausted with everything...

Physically and emotionally exhausted... Emotionally drained. Just soooo tired.

Married to a man that I believe has ruined my belief of marriage. Im not sure I believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore. Hell, Im not even sure I believe in true, real love anymore. Im not quite sure it exists. Maybe one day I will feel differently, but lately I just feel defeated.

I feel defeated with life, with love, with everything. I feel like I try sooo hard to try and turn my life around to better myself, to be a better person for my kids. But Im not sure I have the strength anymore. Or at least for today, I don't know where the strength is going to come from.

Where do I find the strength? Where do I find the passion for life again?

When you are in your 20's that is when you are supposed to be finding yourself and discovering yourself, right?

How do you find yourself, when the only thing you have ever been is a mother? I feel like that's all I am these days. A mother to 3 of the greatest kids in the world. You know, even when I was married, my ex never helped with the kids. So I have always been a single parent. I have never had the feeling of co-parenting or never been able to say "Go see your dad" I dream for that day let me tell ya LOL

Im just tired, and defeated and not sure what to do next... Not sure what my future holds.. Or if I will even have a roof over my head a month from now...


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Inside My Crazy Mind...

So, I just have a random question before I start.... 

If you accidentally butt dial someone, does that make them a booty call?

I have sooo many crazy things that are constantly running through my head. LOL I think it's mostly because I sit home by myself with a 1 year old all day, so I have nothing better to do then to occupy myself.

So I constantly have random things that I just blurt out. If you are a friend of mine on facebook, You may have already seen it. But just some random thoughts of mine.. And if you know the answers to them feel free to let me know, because I am constantly wondering... For example..

Why does glue not stick to the inside of the glue bottle?

What is the purpose of a rubber duck? I mean really!? 

How come there are A, C, and D batteries, but not B's?

Why do people put kleenex boxes in the REAR window of the car, really what is the point of that!? So you can sneeze, pull over and hop in back to grab a tissue? WHAT? LOL

Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food? My cat would LOVE that!!

Do you think people in China get tattoo's of English words on them? I never did understand that..

WHY is there braille on ATM drive thru's? What did I miss there? LOL

Why do women put mascara on with their mouth open? I think it's impossible for women to have their mouth closed...

How come when someone is asked, "If you were stranded on a deserted island what is the one item you would bring" no one says A BOAT?

These are just some of my random questions, I think one day I will find all the answers, hopefully sooner then later! LOL


I don't deal so well with change.. I'm not 100% sure why, but I just don't like it, but then again who really does? I think the only time anyone really likes change is when it's good and I also think that 9 times outta 10 changes are usually bad.

Well in the last year alone, I have had so much change.. I amaze myself that I am still standing!

I have fibromyalgia, permanent whiplash, buldged discs that are pressing against my nerve, causing constant severe pain, carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands (that doesn't help when it comes to blogging..) and arthritis as well. I am a complete mess and I am all but 26 years old.

Most days, I feel like a 50-60 year old lady who can barely move! I have the most awful insurance in the world, that won't cover much, and apparantly in the wonderful state of Nebraska I don't have "enough" wrong with me to qualify for disability. Yet on the other hand, I have enough problems that prevent me from working outside of the home. Can't stand for long, sit, walk, pick things up etc.. So I am jobless and broke at the same time.

I also filed for divorce. I officially filed on Valentine's Day (if that isn't love..) because the 'man' I was married too, well let's just say we had some serious irreconcilable differences. He was the sole bread winner for 7 years. While I stayed at home being the perfect little wife, taking care of the house and the kids. Which doesn't bother me any. The only thing that ever bothered me was him.

Sooo, I am broke in a lot of ways. I can't work, can't do the whole disability thing, I will soon be divorced and most days I feel like falling apart in every way imaginable. But I am still here!

I hate change, because in order for me to get out of this rut that I am in, I will have to get up and get a job that I am sure will break my body in more then one way. But that is what I have to do for my children. Whose only provider is me! I have very little help from my family, because they are just too busy with their own families, so I can't count on anyone but myself. It's just my kids and I.

I had thought about going back and taking some more college courses. And that would be awesome to do, but I need to be able to provide for my kids now, and not in 2 years when those courses are over.

Im in a rut and I have to change things, even if it kills me. I haven't lost hope and faith is something I don't have much of either. But I am a very firm believe that everything does happen for a reason and this is something that is supposed to happen. There is a reason for it, one of which I am not sure of... But there has to be a reason. Because I do believe that God wouldn't give us anything he knows we can't handle.

But really? When I say "God, can it get any worse?" It really isn't a challenge and Im really not looking for something else to fall apart. I am sooo tired of crap falling apart all the time. I want things to fall together already!

Ahhhh, venting is good for the soul and I have done mine for today!

.....Thanks for reading :)

Yes, I was that girl!

So in high school, I wasn't among the "popular" kids. I was the outsider, the quiet one who hung out with the potheads and the kids who were labeled "goths." I was that girl in the back of the room with black hair, black bracelets and anklets to match. With all the piercings to boot! I had the ears, nose, lip, eyebrows... I was just a plain outcast. I never really did feel like I fit in.. I had a close knit group of friends. These were the friends I walked to the bus stop with everyday before school and the same friends I rode home with. These were also the same friends I would later get in trouble with, but that's whole different blog.

I may have been the outcast in high school, but I was also known as the very bold, no so quiet cocky one. I always spoke my mind and I didn't care who I was speaking it too! It didn't matter if it was a fellow student, teacher, principal, I didn't care at all. If I didn't like you, I made it known and I made it known very loudly. I wouldn't have called myself a bully because I was the kinda girl who stoop up to the bullies.

One day, I was walking down the hall and this guy (whom I had the hugest crush on) decided he wanted to just be a jerk and pick on me. Being a jerk was his way of flirting. Well it just so happened that day, that I was rockin out my leather pants, combat boots and a t-shirt that read. "I Dress This Way To Bother You" haha It was my favorite shirt, I wore it constantly. And he looked at me and said, "You really do bother me the way you dress, is your mother proud of you?" I had no words. I wasn't sure what to do at this point. I was angry...

....I walked over to him and decked him right in his nose! And Im sure it hurt him too. I was the kinda girl who had at least 2 rings on each of my fingers (yep even my thumbs!) So I know he had felt some sort of pain. I was in loads of trouble then...

Down in the office the principal had asked me, "What were you thinking?" I looked at her and simply said, "He asked for it, he shouldn't have talked about my mother!!"


Needless to say, he never bothered me again. I wasn't the girl who went out seeking for the confrontation, but if something was ever said about my family or my friends I felt I needed to do what was necessary, and at that time all I could do was deck him... Not saying it was a smart thing to do, because I had hormones plus family troubles at the time (my mother was not even around for most of my high school years) that were running amok in my mind, but that was the kinda girl I was..

Bold, loud, awkward, a complete stoner, and someone who would deck you right in your nose if I thought you needed it! LOL

Now, I don't operate in the same ways I did in high school, I would only use violence as a means of self defense.. But in every other aspect I am still indeed the same person...


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Death And All Her Friends....

Death is something that we ALL go through. Whether it's been family, a friend or whoever. You have experienced death and all her friends.

Last night, I learned that someone really close to me passed away. He was my very first love!  When him and I decided years ago that we couldn't be together, we were the best of friends. He was my BEST friend. The only person I could ever count on. It wouldn't matter what it was, I could drunk dial him at 3am just to talk to him. He was the love of my life and the best friend anyone could ask for.

Last night (3/2/12) he was driving home from work and was T-boned by a drunk driver that killed him instantly. Instantly I had HATE for those who drink and drive. But I can't be a complete hypocrite, because I myself have been in trouble for drinking and driving, the only difference is that I learned my lesson the FIRST time it happened... (8 years ago) and it hasn't EVER happened since. I have hate, frustration and just plain anger. His life was taken because someone else was SELFISH enough to do such a thing.

I miss my best friend. I miss him with all of my being, and there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is have pure hate, anger, and sadness for what has happened. And I can't help but wonder..

Was it just his time? Was it Karma? Was it just his time? Death and all her friends... I wouldn't wish death upon my worst enemy... Death and all her friends...

Im sooo sad, and I am having a lot of problems dealing right now. He was a great man. He was a great man with a great and beautiful woman and 3 very young children. He was also younger then me... How do you deal with something like that?

It's like AA... Taking things one day at a time? Well... for tonight, I just don't wanna deal...