Search This Blog

Friday, November 16, 2012

My Roots

Today is my son's birthday. And with his birthday has brought up some good memories and some not so good memories. But it had me thinking as well.

See, each of my children have a family name. I made sure of it. I call my oldest Katie, but that isn't her real name its just a nickname. Her name is actually Kathleen Rea. Her first name is from my great-great grandmother and her middle name is my middle name.

My son's name is Jonathan James. His first name is from my younger brother who passed away in 1990 from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome for those that don't know) and his middle name is from my Uncle who passed away on Mother's Day 1998.

My youngest daughter's name is Jacklynn Lucille and her name has a story behind it too. See, 2010 when I got pregnant with Jacklynn my grandfather on my father's side had passed away after numerous complications from a stroke. Before I knew if she was a boy or girl I had already decided she was going to be "Jack" One night I had a dream, and in this dream I had curly-haired blue eyed baby. As soon as I knew she had blue eyes, Jack it was but once I knew that she was a girl I couldn't just call her "Jack" I didn't want her made fun of once she hit school age, so I named her Jacklynn instead. Lucille is from my great-great grandmother on my father's side. She just passed away in 2011 at the age of 100. She lived on the reservation her entire life, spoke only of Lakota and somehow knew exactly who I was when she met me for the first time at the age of 19. She was a very wise woman and she will be missed.

I made sure each of my children had family names. I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldnt know any other way. But I am not the only one..

My grandmother on my mother's side does Genealogy, she has for as long as I remember. With her doing this, here is what I have learned about my heritage from that side of the family:

~We are related to Thomas McVeigh, if you don't know who he is, he is the coward who did the Oklahoma City Bombings, he is my 3rd cousin

~ We are related to James Polk.. Don't remember which president he was, but he was a president.

~We *I* am related to Sitting Bull, and we don't need a history lesson there, we all know who he is.

..thats all I can think of off the top of my head, I know there are tons more I would just have to sit down and get the list from her and that would be a few blogs worth of writing. But I am now inspired to find them all out so I will be getting that list and posting on them soon.

Family history and learning who I am and where I come from have been very important to me and always will be. Some people find it morbid, but my grandmother and I have actually taken little trips to cemetarys to take photos of family headstones for our archives. My other half finds it creepy, Lol And some of you reading this may too, but it doesn't bother me any and I think it will be very informant for future generations to come...

I'll be back with more on my roots! :)

Jonathan

My oh so wonderful son is 6 years old today, it was just like yesterday he was born. But isn't that what everyone says about their kids? They grow up so damn fast right before your eyes!

Things were different while I was pregnant with him. When I had my eldest, I gained 53lbs and I gained it EVERYWHERE. I really didnt want to be pregnant again and I sure wasn't ready for another child. While carrying him I managed to lose 20lbs throughout my pregnancy, how I did that? I haven't a clue. But I did. And he still came out healthy as a horse. He was born 7lbs 8oz and 19 3/4in long. He was and IS short, not something he gets from his mama. Lol But I stayed in the hospital for 2 days and home we went.

He was a mama's boy from the boot. Not just because mama was (is) all he has, but he just couldn't get enough of sleeping on mommy, for the first few months of his life that was the only way I could get him to sleep. It drove me crazy, because even trying to move him after he went to sleep was a chore. I would try little tricks like wrapping a receiving blanket around him to make him THINK he was still being held and he just knew. So I finally gave in and learned after awhile to take my t-shirt off and wrap him in that and he would sleep.

My wonderful and very smart son has been through alot in his 6 years of life, things of which as a mother I had no control over whatsoever and it broke my heart in ways that no one will ever know. But we survived, he survived and he is for the better because of that, for that and only that I do thank his deadbeat of a father. See, when he was 3 he was diagnosed with PTSD, Adjustment Disorder, and Separation Anxiety. When he was 4 and started school, I was extremely worried. With the combination of disorders and issues he had, I didn't think he would do well in a school setting. But as a mother, school is what he wanted and what he needed, so I sent him.

And he exceeded even my expectations. Since that very first day of school he has done very well and has always remained at the top of his class. As of right now he is the best speller and best reader in his room. And for being in a room with 16 of his peers I would say that is very well. My son is kind, warm and loving to everyone around me. He is more of a social butterfly than I am, so he has friended everyone in his room. We are expecting quite a few children at his party tomorrow and I spent close to $100 just on food for everyone to eat, and that isnt counting the cake and ice cream.

He is the ONLY boy of the bunch. Altogether he was 3 sisters. Katie is the oldest, then Danae and then Jacklynn, he is right in the middle of them all and he loves them all and "takes care" of each of them. The bond he has with each of his sisters is one of which no one can ever take from him. I am very proud of him, and proud to call him his son.

He is handsome, smart, witty, funny, caring, kind, loving, enthusiastic about everything and already a heartbreaker. He is only 6 and says he has a girlfriend, and her name is Karlee. Lol

My wonderful son, you are 6 years old today and it seems like just yesterday I was rocking you to sleep in my arms and watching you sleep. Little do you know, I still watch you sleep and wish I was rocking you to sleep in my arms. But I am also very proud of you, and you will be a great man one day and that is thanks to your awesome unicorn/ninja mommy. Happy Birthday my son! I love you!

xoxoxo ~Mom <3

Sunday, November 11, 2012

30 Days Of Thankfulness in 3..2..1..

So I see that there is just thankfulness plastered all over Facebook. And it seriously made me wonder. Am I really so screwed up that I don't want to post 30 days of shit, or are the friends that I do have just to fuckin happy? I couldn't figure out which, little of both maybe? Either way seeing all the gratitude and thankfulness makes me wants to vomit. Not that I am not thankful for things, but 200+ people posting the same thing everyday? It's almost as bad as reading all the political rants all over the place, but that's a different blog. So after stalking a fellow blogger cuz yeah, I am really bad about stalking and never commenting. Not because I don't want to, but just cuz after spending hours of reading, I am just too damn lazy. So I thought I would write my 30 days of thankfulness all in one freakin blog and get it over with. So I can stop hearing "What, you don't have anything to be thankful about!?" When in reality that list is really slim, but I am thankful for things, I just won't be plastering it on facebook everyday all damn month. So here it goes.

1) I am thankful for duct tape, without it. My kids just wouldn't stick to the walls as well as I want them to.

2) I am thankful for Xanax, and well.. Do I really need to say more?

3) I am thankful for coffee. I sleep on average 3-4 hours a night. And Crack is illegal..

4) I am thankful for my therapist. Without her I would still be out physically harming idiots. She is my only god send right now.

5) I am thankful for Dora. It's the one hour out of the entire day that my not-wanting-to-nap 2 year old sits down and doesn't tear my house to shreds. I really do love Dora.

6) I am thankful for Xanax

7) I am thankful for wine, cuz well.. it's wine.

8) I am thankful for Words with Friends. Because seriously, I wouldn't talk to some people without it.

9) I am thankful for Stove Top Stuffing. Yes, really.

10) I am thankful for Facebook, it gives me the laugh I need sometimes viewing how stupid some people really are.

11) I am thankful for my kids who are just as weird as I am. When the oldest screams from the other room "Mom, if I lean back and stick my arms out, will my boobs grow!?" I know I am doing something right. haha

12) I am thankful for Xanax

13) I am thankful for orgasms, shit wait. Im not getting any of those.

14) I am thankful for blogger. It's nice to know there are mothers out there that are just as deranged as I am, thanks ladies.

15) I am thankful for sleep. Yeah, I think I am delusional

16) I am thankful for unicorns, they keep me sane in this insane world.

17) I am thankful for being able to take a shit in peace. Yeah well, I told you I was obviously delusional cuz the only way I am taking a shit in peace in this house is at 3am.

18) I am thankful for Janis Joplin. Really wish the crazy white girl was still around, she would be a damn millionaire by now!

19) I am thankful for my vagina. Because well, even after 3 kids its fuckin awesome. And penis's are just ugly.

20) I am thankful for the capslock key, well because sarcasm still doesn't have it's own font..WTF?

21) I am thankful for my candles. I have way to many of them and it fulfills my desire for FIRE... its a win/win situation

22) I am thankful for nicotine. Because I would definitely be choking bitches without it everyday.

23)  Did I mention Xanax? Yes, I think I did. I am very thankful for it.

24) I am thankful for my 3 wonderful children. Without them, I wouldn't be talking to an adult and feel the need to say "I have to go pee pee" ...true story.

25) I am thankful for football. Legitimate excuse to yell at the Television like a retard and no one will question you. Score!

26) I am thankful for Peter Pan, because now as an adult I completely understand why he never wanted to grow up.

27) I am thankful for bleach, yes bleach. Without bleach, well let's just say I wasn't sure how else to get the fresh poo poo out of the bath tub this morning. Two cheers for potty training! WOO HOO!

28) I am thankful for my niece. Without her, I would have never learned to speak a foreign language. Aunt Jetka wuvs you!

29) I am thankful for smell good carpet powder. Thanks for being there when I am just to damn lazy to vaccum!

and last but not least..

30) I am thankful for my meds. I would probably be in prison without them!


... That's all she wrote

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Beginning

So there have been a lot of things that have changed in my life lately. But with the help of my oh so strange therapist I have began to look at things a little differently. Since I am looking at things and life a bit differently there have been some changes in my life.

First and foremost. I am not putting up with anyone's shit. If you are about drama or you are starting drama I will indeed block you on facebook and in real life as well. I don't care if you are family or a friend I have known since before puberty. That is it, I am done. I don't want any part of it anymore. I won't deal with it, I won't in anyway put up with it. I have reached my breaking point. I hate drama, and if that is all you are going to do is create drama I really don't want anything to do with you anymore. My life is slowly but surely getting quiet.

See, I am not a people person at all. Because in general most people are stupid. So I am what others call a homebody or a "loner" and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. I enjoy sitting by myself, I enjoy being around no one but myself. Because I enjoy my own company and there are some people in this world that I don't even think enjoy their own company but at least I can say that, can you? My therapist doesn't think that this is a good quality to have. She has told me I have "severe social issues" among many other things. But regardless of what she says, I am not going to change this. Maybe I am just stubborn who knows.

I am only about making my family and myself happy. And by my family, I mean my children and my man and myself. Because another thing I have learned lately is that if I am not happy, I can't make anyone else happy. So I have been working on that as well as cutting out the constant drama in my life. And I will get there one day and I do not care who does and doesn't like what I do. It is my life and the only person in this world I need to please is myself.

I know that saying things and actually doing them are two completely different things. Because usually I don't have the motivation. But that is slowly changing as I am changing. One day at a time is all I can do right now. Actually I prefer to take things one minute at a time these days. At least when I do that, then I won't feel as disappointed when I don't reach my goal or said task.

It is just the beginning and it will get better, It has to right?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Facts Of My Life

I have had a bit of writer's block for awhile now. I have tried and tried many times to write, and nothing comes out. I'm not quite sure why, but there is just nothing that is there for me. I have so many words in my head, it's hard to get it all out to where it makes sense to anyone else. Although, I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else, but it sure helps! Lol But I thought I would at least try and post an update for anyone that was curious about what I have been up to lately.

First off, I have to apologize because try as I did, I did not finish the BlogFEST challenge in October. I had soo many things going at once that something had to give, and that was the first thing I guess. I really did give it my all and I guess that is all that counts, but I was disappointed in myself about it, yet again. I seem to do that a lot lately. But everything is just so hard right now.

I feel like I have lost just about everything in my life. I have no job, therefore I lost my house. I can't work even though I have tried many many times, my body just can't handle it and my doctor doesn't want me to work either. I had applied for social security twice now. Both times of which I have been denied. Apparently I won't be considered "disabled" until after I have surgery. I don't understand that at all. I have multiple doctors stating that I am not able to work or function at 100% like others in this world, but it is still not good enough for the state of Nebraska? What is considered disabled? Where you can't get out of bed and you are stuck because you don't have help? That's the point I will be at, no doubt. Then maybe the state of Nebraska will give a shit about the needs my family has. I am not a person who is trying to "mooch" off of the state, I really do need help. But I guess if I was some random crackhead with 8 kids and another on the way the state would give a rats ass. But that is a different post... I am giving it everything I have to survive here. I have sold just about everything I own, including the clothes on my back (literally..) and I am just struggling I guess.

I have fallen into a very deep and very low depression. It is definitely not the first time it has happened and I have ways of "pulling" myself out of it usually. But not this time. I am in therapy and on medications and even that isn't helping. But no worries, I do see my doctor later this week to try and work things on there. But here are some things I have learned about myself, and a little "Do's and Dont's" of my depression if you will...

~Don't give me "hugs" or "virtual hugs" as I have seen it up, virtually hugging me isn't going to make me feel any better, especially when I don't even like being touched in the first place.

~ Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, I am fully aware that one day it will be alright. If being told everything would be fine in a post would make me feel better, I would talk about things more often.

~Don't tell me shake it off or snap out of it

~Don't tell me anything like "Hurry up and feel better, because we need you" that is one of the worst things you could possibly say to me.

~Im not just in a bad mood, NO I did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed and No it is not just PMS

~PLEASE don't make me feel guilty about being depressed, because YES believe it or not some of you do that not even realizing it.

~Do ask me if I want to talk about it, and let it be okay if I don't

and

~Do ask me if you can do anything and let it be just fine if you can't.

I am definitely not ungrateful for any attempts to make me feel better, I do greatly appreciate your concern. It lets me know that someone out there really does care about me.

I will be better when I am better. and yes I am fully aware that I should probably see my therapist more often and take a different medication and no I am not open to suggestions and what will and won't work. Every person is different and only a doctor should diagnose a person, not anyone on the internet. and Yes as I have stated above, I know I will get through this. Its just a one day at a time thing for me.

My OCD has gotten worse. Apparently I have stress induced OCD, so the more stress I have in my life the worse my OCD is. This week I did ceiling fans and windows and alphabetized my pantry. Yes, I am also fully aware that this is not normal, but I am not normal so everything works out I guess. Normal is a just a setting on the dryer to me.

I am starting to believe, that through everything that is happening I have lost the love of my life, at least that is how it feels. I am not 100% sure if it is just my depression and anxiety making things seem worse, or if they really are that bad between us, but things aren't well right now. I thought we were going to try and work on things, but since I haven't heard from him all day, I am not quite sure where we stand on things. We do need to sit down and talk because I really don't like feeling like I have lost him, because I will not survive without him. I know that sounds cheesy, I know. But I would be lost without him. And I know he does want to be together, but I dunno I guess. I think I am just getting ahead of myself and thigns just feel horrible because of everything I have going on. Only time will tell I guess.

I have learned in the last week who is and isn't there for me when I need them. I needed to move furniture a few days ago and asked for help and got nothing and no help in return. So as stubborn as I am, I moved it myself. Yep, moved 2 couches knowing full well that my body cant handle it. But I knew if I didn't do it that it would never get done. So for those that don't know, my L4 and L5 discs (your 2 bottom discs) in my back are buldged out pressing against my sciatic nerve. This problem alone causes many problems. My legs give out on me all the time, I have fallen down the stairs this week and to make it worse, while I was carrying this couch, I actually peed my pants. Yep, you read that right. I peed my pants. Do you know how embarrassing it is to pee your pants in front of your children? I just started balling my eyes out. It was embarrassing and sad and so heartbreaking all I could do was cry. It made me embarrassed and ashamed and I had so many emotions going that the only thing I could do was cry, all night long. And that's what I did. I am all but 26 years old and it kills me that my body is giving out before my mind. It breaks my heart in so many ways, ya'll just don't know.

My surgery is scheduled for November 26th at Methodist Hospital. I will be in the hospital for a week and then recovery for the rest of my life I am sure. I am told that I have 60 percent chance of getting better, 40 percent chance of feeling worse. I am ready to take those odds if it means I am not pissing my pants in front of my children. I am ready to get it done and over with. It's time to open up the next chapter in my life.

With that said, I shall end this post because I am sure I have bored you all to death anyways. But I am here, and I will be to myself again and soon I hope...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Values

Ohh my. When I read this topic I had immediately thought, "That is a neverending list!" Lol Thanks Babymama appreciate the thinking process on this one.  But really, what I value isn't much different from anyone who may or may not be reading this.

~I value my children. If anything in this world I will always be a mother. I chose to become a mother 11 years ago and I have embraced it. I value each of my children in their own way, because all 3 of them have their own individuality about them. I value the time I have with each of them and do my best to play a positive role in their lives because I know that I am all that they have. And it is my job as a mother to set the best examples and values for them.

~I value Respect. I believe that in order to have respect, you must give it. With me, you can't just be given respect right off the bat, you have to earn it. Having Respect for yourself and others will get you very far in life. It will go far with family, friends, life and even love. Another value of mine, that goes along with this one is to "Respect Your Elders" which is something I don't think is taught very often this day an age. My children know before anything needs to be said, if an adult walks into a room and you are in the only chair and that adult would like to sit down, you respectfully get out of your chair for that adult to sit down. It's just respect. It was the way I was raised and it is something I have passed down to my children. Always respect your elders, they are much wiser than you are!

~ I value my life. This was something I hadn't done until recently. It is a blessing that I am still here in this world. Between my medical problems and all the emotional stress in my life and everything else, it is a wonder I am still here. I value the fact that I am still walking this Earth.

~I value my friends. I don't talk about them as often as I should. Mostly because 99% of my friends are online. I don't do well with others and I have severe social issues and anxiety. I do much better online with friends. But if it weren't for them somedays I don't feel like I would make it without them. I also value my Babymama! I'm not quite sure where we would be in life without each other, but not a good road Im sure. So I am glad I have her. To read about her, click here!

~I value my blog. Even though I don't have many readers at all, I still enjoy my online therapy and would be lost without it. Or on myspace. Not sure which, but either way I don't know what I would do without my crazy weird blog!

And last but not least among my huge list of values..

~I value my COFFEE! I can't survive without it. Between sleepless nights and not enough time in the day, I would be lost without my caffeine. I value it almost as much as I do my children! LOL!        

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

Vacation

When I read this topic, the only thing that came to mind was the one and only vacation I have ever in my entire life taken.

My oldest daughter was just 3 years old and I was the young age of 19. I had saved up the money for this vacation for almost an entire year because I was really looking forward to meeting family members that I only knew of, but had never met.

Headache: We drove all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to Guyton, Georgia. For those that don't have mapquest handy, it was exactly 22 hours straight through. Not only was it a long drive, but it was even longer with 6 kids in the car all under the age of 8. Plus it was my Aunt and I. Could you imagine driving that far with that many children in the car? Instant headache from the moment we got in the car. Luckily we had timed it just right and left around 4pm that afternoon. Stopped and got dinner and the kids drove us crazy in the car for a few hours before they finally passed out. We got most of the driving done while they were sleeping. So much easier that way. I say we, because I didn't drive, but I stayed awake with her. That would be a very long drive without having someone to socialize with while you drive.

Happiness: It was the first time I had met my Aunt. Who then assured me that if I had ever needed anything to just let her know, because regardless of anything family is always family. It was also the first time I had ever in my life been on a boat, it was also the first time my daughter had been on a boat as well. And I don't have the pictures on this computer. But while we were boating on the Savannah River it was the first time I had ever seen a sea turtle and that thing was huge! My daughter absolutely loved it and hasn't seen anything since.

We had also set out a crab trap. Came back to it a good 6 hours later and caught some crab. We boiled those suckers a little over 12 hours and it was the first time we had ever had crab. I remember it so well because my wonderful 3 year old daughter looked at me and said "Mommy, I can't eat him until you take his eyes off!" LOL I will never forget that.

All in all it was a headache to be in a car 22 hours with 6 children, but it was well worth every bit of it. Still to this day a whole 8 years later my daughter still wants to go back to see the "red dirt" and visit her Aunt.

I say any vacation is a happiness, it all depends on how you look at it!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

Monday, October 22, 2012

First Impressions

I must say, that I am guilty of judging a book by it's cover. I will take one look at a person and immediately judge them in my head. I am a very blunt person, but when I first meet a person, I am/will secretly judge you in my head. It usually takes me 2-3 times of actually spending time or being around a person before my first judgement goes out the window. For example: I met a woman through a mutual friend that wore all black, black nail polish, black hair, wore a Korn t-shirt and the tightest pair of spandex pants I have ever seen in my life. My first judgement of this person was that she was a "Gothic" person and listened to rock music etc. This was my first judgement. After I had spent sometime with this woman I came to find out that she was a First Grade Teacher and listened to Mozart... WHAT? Lol I hadn't seen that coming at all. She just liked the "black" look. So this is also a learning curve for me, but I am working on not judging other's by my first impression but rather my 2nd or 3rd.

As for an actual book. I would say that it isn't the cover of it that draws me in. I am the person who opens the book straight to the back to read the reviews/blurbs about it. That is what lures me in..

But why is it that I immediately judge a person based on how they look, but my judgement of a book is completely different? This I do not know. That would be something that I am working on. It is a work in progress. Any thoughts?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

Putting Myself On The Back Burner

This is something I have always done. I think it is something that just comes natural when you are a mother, at least for me it is true. My needs/wants are always put on the back burner and not just for my children, but my man and my family as well. I will put their needs and wants over mine anyday. For example:

I have a genetic blood disorder known as "Atransferrinemia" which in English just means that my body is getting the iron that it needs, but it isn't circulating through my blood like it is supposed to. It us curable. It just means I have to take pills and vitamins and get injections. But I am sick. That along with my back/neck problems and everything else, my body is exhausted on a daily basis. My body is more worn out then my mind is. But what do I do? I adjust. I have 3 children that I pretty much raise on my own. I mean, I have my man and he does help, but we aren't married and even if we were I wouldn't expect him to "raise" my children. But anyways,  I raise 3 kids on my own. All of them are 5 years apart. That alone is exhausting. I have one going through puberty, one that strongly believes every girl on this Earth has "cooties" and my youngest has reached her terrible two's and strongly believes that her brother's bunk bed is her trampoline and my cabinets are her jungle gym. My children exhaust me most days. On average I get about 4 hours of sleep a night if I am lucky. Mostly because I have so much stress in my life, but that accompanied with my children and depression, I just don't sleep. I have stress just like every other person in this world. But with all of it combined, you will RARELY hear me complain about any of it. I deal with it, I adjust, I conform. I am on the backburner and I always will be, especially when it comes to my children.

I conform to it all, because that is just how my life is. I used to always be a people pleaser, but now that I have gotten a bit older and my children are starting to get older, I am starting to change the way I think about life and everything else. I am not and I will not conform to anyone's expectations anymore.

I am almost 27 years old. It is time for me to be true to myself and this will be a learning curve to the new me.. So watch out.. Here I come!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!


Friday, October 19, 2012

Dedication

There are 3 things in this world that I am dedicated too.

1) My Family

2) My Wonderful Man

3) Myself

..And in that order..

Those are the 3 things in this world that I am dedicated too. As always my children do come first and always will in my life. I have 3 of the greatest children in the world and I am doing one hell of a job raising them on my own. My oldest daughter is on honor roll, student council, and recently started doing an after school program called "Extended Learning Time" which is where she stays after school and tutor's younger children in reading and math. I am one proud mama! My son, is only in Kindergarten and strongly believes he is the "man" of the house. Always thinking that he needs to "fix" things and does things for me like take the trash out etc. He is getting so big before my eyes! I wonder where my little baby boy went and he is sooo sweet and only getting sweeter! My youngest daughter just turned 2 on October 12th. I can't believe that she is already 2. She is my mini-me and definitely going to be my tomboy for sure. She scraped her knee trying to climb a tree the other day! She is adventerous and daring and so bold. I dedicate my every moment to my children. I give them soooo much of me that I have lost myself, but that is also a work in progress.

My man is sooo good to me. He does any and everything he can to make me happy, even when it means he is not happy. I love him so much for that. He is caring and compassionate and always listens to me, even when I am cranky! Lol He truly does love me to death and I am ready to dedicate the rest of my life to showing him just how much I love him. I am ready to be his wife.

Just recently I have started to gear my dedication towards myself. Because like I said before, I had put sooo much dedication into my children that I lost myself along the way. And now that my children are getting older and a little less dependent on mommy I have more time for myself and I am ready!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

People Change


If there is one thing that I have learned from life so far, is that people always change. People are always changing and sometimes not for the better either. But I have also learned, that people only change if and when they want to. If you don't have the desire/want/need to change within your heart, you will change your ways alright, but it won't last long.

But how do you deal with change? I know for as long as I can remember I would always get stressed out with things that changed in my life. For example: I was married, then one day out of nowhere I was separated on the verge of divorce. That is a drastic change in someone's life. It doesn't just effect my life, but my children's as well. So with that change in my life, I immediately got stressed out beyond belief. I went from being a family of 5 to being a single mom of 3 just like that. I went from being a stay at home mom to someone who is jobless and no way at all to pay bills. I was depressed, and extremely stressed out. But I learned to change.

I have learned that I am all my children have. It doesn't matter what I do or don't want, I have to get off my ass and go back to school or get a job or both.

I have learned that I can't make anyone else happy, unless I can first make myself happy and that is also a learning curve for me.

But most of all, I have learned that saying this things and writing them down, and actually doing them are 2 completely different things. I have changed.

I have changed because I have to. I have changed because I want to, and it will only remain that way as long as I have the drive and motivation in my heart and soul to keep it that way.

I have learned to adjust to life changes. Life is always going to throw it's curve balls, so I have learned to curve along with it!

People will always change, so learn to adjust and adapt I say!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and 

To view all other entries, click here!

Sorry

After reading this prompt, it took me a few minutes to even wonder what I was going to write about. I sat here and thought about it and I do not use the word "Sorry" as often as I thought I did and I didn't realize it until just tonight. Yeah, I am a few days behind on my blogs. That's because I lost my only computer access and it put me into some serious withdrawals. Lol Anyways.

For the most part, I am not a people pleaser, not anymore. I used to be the person who would do any and everything to please everyone else, except myself. So I sat and realized, what about me? I am doing everything in my power to please everyone else and yet no one is pleasing me. So I stopped trying to be please everyone else. With that came a lot of "I'm Sorry's" because I truly was sorry. I am sorry that if you can't be there for me I will no longer be there for you. Because that is just the point I have reached in my life. I wonder if I shouldn't have reached it sooner. But I figure that Life itself is a learning curve for everyone so I have a lot to learn about life in my whole 26 years of life. I am and will get there. So I only use the words "I'm Sorry" only if I mean, and only AFTER I have made my point. Whether it be in a discussion or an arguement or whatever it maybe. I will only say it if I truly mean it. 

But here are a couple things that I am truly sorry for:

~Im sorry that I am not a better daughter. My mother and I don't get along well. And its a 50/50 situation. But I know sometimes I wish things were different and I was a better daughter.

~I'm sorry I am not a better mother to my children. I should not be jobless, almost homeless and single raising 3 kids on my own. I do the best I can and my children have and will always have a roof over their heads, but I truly am sorry I am not a better mother and provider for them. But I am definitely trying to change that.


So with those said, I am sorry that I am late on my prompt. But I figure, it's better late then never, right!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and 

To view all other entries, click here!


The Exorcist

When I read this prompt, this is what popped directly into my head.



Because every part of me believes that something like this could happen. I strongly believe in ghosts and spirits and I do believe this is possible. Every single time I see this movie, I can NOT watch it alone. It freaks me out..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and 

To view all other entries, click here!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Dear Past Me/Future Me

"Today I'm hosting for BlogFEST 2012! And I have a prompt for those of you participating in the challenge. Here is the prompt: Dear Past/Future Me

The rules are pretty simple--take this prompt and post your blog today. Be sure to link back to this post to be eligible for the giveaway at the end of the challenge. You can link up the url to your post with other BlogFEST participants on the Facebook Page located here."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Past Me:

Be a little less of a troublemaker. Being a teenager is hard enough, don't make it any harder. Just let life happen without making it any worse because you will end up regretting it later on. You doing the things that you are doing will only make life harder. Take it easier on mom. She made her bed and she laid in it, don't hate her for it the rest of her life, it isn't completely her fault that things happened they way they did. Learn to let go of things sooner, rather than later.

Kiss your great-grandmother more often, one day you will miss them and won't know how to handle it, but don't worry. What they say is true, time does heal and it does get easier. Don't take her for granted.

Live, Laugh and Love more often then hate. Hate is something that is learned, while love is something that is taught. Love a little more, hate a little less. When you get older, you won't feel as heartless for it. Learn to get along with people, everyone. Being anti-social will only get you so far, before you start to hate yourself for it.

When life starts knocking you down, instead of letting it stress you out, learn to adjust.

Just LET GO... and Live life to the fullest, the isolation you so desire is something you will regret later on..

Be free!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Future Me:

I hope you learned to take life one day at a time versus all that damn planning we used to do. Sometimes it is good to be sponataneous and just learn to let go and be free. I hope the kids grew up to be what we had hoped for, happy and healthy. I hope we found our real love, you know, the guy that completes us. And by now, I hope we found ourself.  I really hope that we found our place in life, right where we belong and we are everything that we had hoped to be. Not just for us, but for the kids as well. When life does knocks us down, let's make sure we breathe and learn to adjust, because that is what helps us sleep at night! The wonders of letting go will get us far. I hope we didn't go overboard with money problems and we got through it. Life was hard for us, and I think we were destined to be miserable, so I hope through all the therapy we went through we learned to work through it all and actually LIVE our life. I really hope we do.


...Until we meet again!

Shadows

The shadows of my past manage to haunt me everyday. See, I have a tendency to live in the past more then I should. Because I just can't let some things that happened go. Especially things that effected my children. Because the things that happened, will be with them the rest of their lives. At the very least, the rest of mine because I will always remember what had happened. But why can't I just let it go? It happened in the past, it isn't happening now, but yet I still manage to re-live every single day of it in my head.. I just don't understand why I can't just let it go and move on. With certain things and certain people, I have let some things go. I have learned to forgive but I have never forgotten and I never will. But it all still haunts me every day of my life.

What is it about the shadows of our past that we can't just let go, or is it just me? I have posted before about how I was in therapy now. My therapist has taught me how to deal with things better than I have in the past. She has taught me how to let go of things and move on. Letting them go and moving on will truly set you free.

So to anyone else like me, who is living in the shadows of your past. Do what I am learning to do. Let go and it will set you free! It will set you free and you will live a better life for it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here

and

To view all other entries, click here

Autumn Joy

Fall is my favorite time of year. I love it because of the crisp cool air, and most of all the colors. The green, red, orange, and brown leaves. The greatness of being able to sit on my front porch swing with a nice cozy blanket and good book and just relax. That is something that you can't do in the summer time. It is way to hot to be able to do anything, at least around here it is!

With the Fall also comes the holidays. And the holidays are stressful for everyone, but I love Halloween the most. Seeing all the pumpkin carvings, and little kids dressing up. Oh and we can't forget that it is the only time of the year that little kids can take candy from strangers without anyone questioning it. Lol

The biggest joy of it all? Raking up all the leaves into a giant pile and watching my kids jump in them. The crunch of the leaves, the little tiny sticks in their hair and the smiles all over their face as they run up to me and say, "Can we have some hot cocoa mommy!?"

There are so many things that happen during the fall that you can't do in the summertime, the winter time or any other time. Especially the colors. You can't see all the changing colors any other time of year. And it is just magical and unforgettable. And it gets better every year!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here

and

To view all other entries, click here

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Peace and Comfort


As I look at this boy, I see someone who is comfortable in his own skin, as he digs his toes into the sand. Someone who is at peace within himself and enjoying the peace and quiet.

These are things that I am not. I am not someone who is comfortable in their own skin and I am not at peace within myself. Since I have become sick, I have looked at myself in a completely different way. I have lost all self-confidence in myself. I am not comfortable in my own body. Most days, I can't stand even looking at myself because I have just become disgusted with what I see. Don't worry though, it is something I am working on. But if I could be like this boy, I wouldn't need to worry.

Peace, is something that is few and far between. I have 3 kids that I raise on my own. The only time I have peace and quiet is at midnight when all of my children are down, the neighborhood dogs are up and everyone else is sleeping. And what happens? My mind RACES. I constantly think of what still needs to be done, how I am going to do this that or the other and what exactly is going to happen the next day. He looks like he is at peace with himself and within himself and I am JEALOUS!

What I wouldn't give to be this boy, just for a night....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and 

All other entries here!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Travel and Technology

So this is Jessie participating like she said she would. But I can't post anything at all about this because I don't travel either. The farthest I go, is a mile away and technology doesn't play apart in it, because I walk everywhere. I don't own a car, can't afford to take a bus or anything of the such. I'm poor, what can I say? Lol

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

If I Ruled The World...

Day #8 here, and today's topic is one that I am struggling with... "If I Ruled The World..."

There are sooo many ways you can take this topic. Because I think for the most part we all want the same changes in the world. Healthcare, world peace, more money, education, no discrimination etc..

If I ruled the world, I would want it to be a place where we didn't have to perpetrate hate on other's to feel good about ourselves at the end of the day. That we would not all be the same person dancing to the same tune of life, but to just be ourselves and be free to discover all the great things about yourself and what YOU as a person have to offer the rest of the world and learn to live together and work together, not against each other. But what do I know?

I have been thinking about this topic all day today and in fact, I am not even at all sure I would want to rule the world. I am not that power hungry or driven, motivated person or whatever you would need to be, to want to rule the world. I wouldn't want to be that person to determine every man/woman/child's fate in this world. Because that is what would happen when anyone on this planet "rule's" it. You determine the fate of everyone whether they like it or not, and I am person about compromise and cooperation and empathy. 

I just couldn't, and wouldn't want to rule this sorry of an excuse planet that we live on. I can dream, and hope and want all that I want, but I am only one person, my ruling of this world wouldn't make a difference. It would take a large amount of people to get this world back to the way it should be, not just me.

So if I ruled the world, I would want to rule a world that didn't need me to rule it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

The rest of the BlogFEST crew, click here!

Cats, Black Cats, and Superstitions

So when I moved to the neighborhood I currently reside in. I had this stray cat that kept getting into my house. I couldn't figure out how it was getting in. But I was sure I wasn't going to keep her. But she kept getting in, and I kept putting her out. Finally after about a month of doing this and really cold weather, and my children. I decided to let her stay. She seemed pretty well tame and wasn't going to attack or anything of the sorts. But I kept a close eye on her anyways. We ended up keeping her for awhile. But of course she was an outdoor cat so she kept running out. And thanks to my children, I was a sucker and always let her back in on those winter nights. It didn't take me long to realize she was pregnant. I mean you can't miss a pregnant cat by any means. And I knew in Nebraska, they only keep cats for 30 days, if they aren't adopted by then, they are euthanized. So I kept her. I named her Hooker, after all that's what she was! Lol Anyways, she ended up having a litter of kittens and I gave them away to good home's. She got pregnant again, and again. I kept ONE cat from all over her litters and took our wonderful Hooker Kitty to a friend who lives on a farm so she is free to roam and do all the hookin she wants! Lol

The cat I kept was the runt of the bunch and I felt bad for her because my hooker kitty didn't want to care for her. Not sure if it was just because she was so tiny or what, but she didn't care for her. So I kept her and bottle fed her etc.. until she was big enough to eat kitty food and drink water/milk. She was an all black cat and was sooo furry and had the biggest blue eyes ever! I had instantly fell in love with her. My kids named her "Dory" you know, after that annoying fish on Finding Nemo? Anyways, the kids call her Dory, but I call her Baby Retard. She is the only cat I have ever known in my life who intentionally walks into walls, yes intentionally. Anyways, here she is at birth:



My mother had tried to convince me to not keep her. She was a black cat after all, and we all know what they say about black cats. But I don't believe in superstitions at all, so I kept her. She turned one years old on July 23, 2012 and she is happy and healthy and sitting on my lap as I type!!

To view today's blog host click here!

and

To view all other entries click here!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Am I Living My Dream?

Am I Living My Dream? That is a good question, with an easy answer....


NO!

I can easily say that because even to this very moment, I don't even know what my dream is anymore. I'm not even sure I have one. But here is what I do know.

~This is not the life that I had envisioned for myself, not even close.

But I know what I want. But is what I want, and living my dream the same thing? I'm not sure anymore.

~What I really want to be able to do, is stay home with my children. At least until they all reach school age, and then pursue whatever career I chose to head down. Because *I* believe that I brought my children into this world, up until school age I should be home to teach them, raise them. But that is my belief (not everyone's)

~I want a ranch style home, with about 2 acres of land smack in the middle of nowhere. So my children have all the room in the world to roam free and I can have the peace and quiet I so deserve. Oh, and my unicorn..

~ At some point in my life, I would like to own and run a Restaurant/Bar. That would be ideal for me. Owning/Managing a restaurant/bar would be perfect and give me the flexible schedule I will need for my kids.

~ I don't want to be rich, but to be able to live comfortably without having the worry of how this bill will get paid, or how that bill will get paid or what's going to happen next would be a dream come true.

But with all these things I want, I still don't know if it's really my dream. I don't even know if I believe in dreams anymore. So this will be a question I will be pondering. 

I think with everything that has happened to me lately and everything that has gone on. That maybe it is time for me to have some new dreams because I think we the "dreams" that I have right now, I am not reaching my full potential. What do you think?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host, click here!

and

To view all other entries, click here!

Mommyhood Madness

I've been asked a few times where I have been lately, because I haven't been around as much. At least not as much as I used to be. That answer is simple, mommyhood madness.

It's true. My 3 children have kept me on my toes lately. And I can't just blame it on my children either because I have had a lot going on. Between doctors and therapy and school functions and trying to keep my kids having a "normal" childhood I have felt nothing but overwhelmed lately. Overwhelmed, stressed, so much anxiety that by the time I get a moment to relax, my head is down and even then I am still not sleeping. But I have been trying to make an honest effort at it. The only friends that I have are online, and yes I am serious. So when someone doesn't see me online, they start to wonder what is wrong with me. Lol Because it just isn't normal for me.

So when I am going to give my youngest a bath, I always tell her we are going to "take a tub" because it doesn't matter what I do or what we do, she HATES the water (she is weird I know..) but tonight my wonderful and only son had decided that instead of "taking a tub" he wanted his sister to "take a toilet" and YES that is really what he called it. So while I was in the kitchen cooking chili for dinner, he brings my almost 2 year old daughter in and says, "Look mommy, Jackie took a toilet" I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I was just in awe about it all. My kids are crazy, and this is proof. Now if I had a camara, that would have been something to Facebook, because it was really that memorable. But this is just one example of what my crazy out-of-this-world children do to me on a daily basis, and yet that can't figure out why I'd rather daydream about unicorns and rainbows! I guess when they have children of their own they will understand... :-P

But life has been taking me for a ride and not a good one either. I am having tons of money problems, I can't afford my house, so I am at risk (again) for losing it. I just got another shut off notice today, and I have absolutely no way of paying it. I can't work, the state won't help me either. So I am on my own to try and figure everything out. Don't get me wrong, I can whine about it all I want, but I have made my own bed and right at this moment I am sure laying in it and I don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have reached my breaking point. My man tries to help when he can, but even he hasn't found work yet. He moved here from Alabama to be with me, left his job and family and everything behind to be with me. And he gets here has no job, loses his car etc. And he is really struggling with not being able to take care of us the way a man should take care of his family. So him and I have a been struggling there a little. I think its my fault that he is here and doesn't have a job, he says it isnt because he made the conscious choice to do it. But it's just hard and we just can't catch a break for anything.

And I am tired of not being able to catch a break. And just when I had thought things were starting to run a little smoother, everything has gone to hell all over again in a new month and I am just at my wits end lately.

Depression has taken over, along with sleep deprivation, anxiety and ubber amounts of stress. The only bit of stress relief that I have is blogging. I am currently waiting on my doctor be on yet some more medications I wish I wasn't taking, but what can I do? Nothing else is working and I have about given up.

What happens next? Only time will tell..

Jack

So with the countdown to my youngest daughter's birthday, I have been doing a lot of thinking. My baby is 2 years old. That means it has been 2 years since the passing of my grandfather. My grandfather of which I did not know or meet until I was 13 years old.

Even well into my adulthood, I didn't know my grandfather well, and didn't visit him often. And the reason for that is simple, I have NEVER (even to this very day) felt apart of the family and probably never will. I don't speak with my father, he has no desire in this world to speak to me, I just don't speak with them, and they don't speak with me. But that does not change WHO I come from, and never will. Regardless of whether they consider me family or not, we are blood and always will be.

When my grandfather passed, I was crushed. I wasn't (and still not) sure why. But it broke my heart. I pondered the things that I wish were different growing up. What it would have been like having him in my life,  how different of a person I would be if he was apart of my life etc. The pain and heartache I had with the passing of this man, was so hard on my body and so hard on me that I was on anxiety medication for quite awhile after his passing.

So when I had found out I was pregnant, I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl. Because as with all my other children, I wanted to make sure this child had a family name. My oldest is named after my great-great grandmother (Kathleen) my son is named after my younger brother who passed away from SIDS at 3 months old (Jonathan) and my baby is named after my grandfather, but she is a girl so I had to improvise a little because naming a girl "Jack" would just get her made fun of in school. So her name is Jacklynn and she is almost 2 years old and will never know her great-grandfather, my grandfather. He was a good man, and I miss him dearly and by all rights, I shouldnt. He was never apart of my life as a child, teenager, or into my adult years, so why do I miss him? He was still my blood.

And even though my children don't know my father's side, their grandfather's side, does not mean they don't know where they come from either. They are 100% aware that they are part Indian and our family history etc. That is something I have always made aware to them and always will. I can't change my blood, they sure can't change their's either!

But it is countdown, 1 week and my baby Jack will turn 2 years old. And it seems like just yesterday she was born. My tubes are now tied, so she really is my last "baby!" I have been trying to suck up all I can while I can, because she will only get bigger before my eyes!

But everytime I look at her baby blue eyes, I can't help but think of my grandfather, who had the exact same color and it hurts my heart. But grief is just apart of life and only with time will it get easier. I just wish it would get easier already, because I miss him and I can never get back the days that he was not apart of my life. All I can do is move forward and make it known to my children who he was and where they come from...right?

Online Courses

Online Courses have been something I have been pondering for a few months now. I mentioned it awhile back in one of my blogs, that I was thinking of pursuing classes to "better" my writing. To have a career in writing, wasn't something that hadn't even crossed my mind. I mean, I barely have readers here on blogger and facebook, would I really have anyone reading a book that  I wrote? What on Earth would I even write about in the first place? Questions I have been pondering all afternoon.

But online courses are something I am considering. With my health issues, being a single stay at home mommy of 3 kids, and therapy to boot I already have my hands full. So taking classes online would be more convenient I do believe. I still have yet to check into it though. Because here in the ohhh so wonderful city of Omaha there are very few colleges that aren't just out for your money. The only school I would consider even going to would be http://www.mccneb.edu/ and that is only because it is small, and more one on one with their students versus the University here. Which I guess, either way it wouldn't matter because I will be taking them online. But still something I have thought about, in case I need to go in for whatever reason.

I am still undecided, but I am really considering it. I just wonder how it really works. At your own pace? By a certain deadline? Hmm, I am definitely going to check into it for sure. Because I strongly believe you are never to old to go back to school, and you can NEVER have enough education.

Have you taken online courses? What are your thoughts about them?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To view today's blog host click here!

To follow the rest of the crew on BlogFEST and read all other entries, click here!!


...Until tomorrow my friends!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I'm Taking Charge

Today's Prompt is "Will You Take Charge" to view today's blog host you can click here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So today, I am a little behind. Normally I would have posted last night, but just couldn't. So I opened up Facebook to view the topic. And immediately when I read, "Will You Take Charge?" My mind went completely dirty LOL. Because yes that is the kinda freak I am! I thought "Why yes, yes I will take charge"

..But then figured I probably shouldn't post that kind of naughty blog, HAHA! So I will take it a different route and keep it "PG" :-P
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So for the longest time (up until recently even) I have had some severe co-dependency issues. I am not sure why, that is still being sorted. But I haven't been one to take charge, I have been the passenger so to speak and that has ended. Recently I have had some very drastic things happen in my life. Blood disorders and surgeries and possible cancer. It has all thrown me for a loop, all the while I have not told my children anything, they just know that mommy is sick. Anyways, I have sat back and let others try to "run" my life and I have only said things here and there not really doing anything about it (i.e. someone trying to tell me how to raise my kids, what I should and shouldn't be doing etc..) and I have just sat back and let it all slide. I'm not going to blame it on my medical problems, because that just isn't true. Mostly, I was just lazy and had this "I don't give a flying f*ck attitude."

But that has changed. I have reached this "Im fed up" point and I am not taking any crap from anyone about anything. If I don't like it, I say so. If something needs changed in my life, I do my best to change it right then and there (depending on what it is..) and that is just it. It's my life and I will be damned if I am going to let anyone else try to run it or try to control what I do and don't do. So here is what I am doing:

~Moving. As soon as I have enough money saved up, I am getting out of this neighborhood and moving up to bigger and better things then the hood.

~Making a budget plan. May not sound like a big thing to anyone else, but I want to keep track of funds and making sure money is going where it NEEDS to go and not where I WANT it to go.

~Going back to school. I have done a lot of soul searching and I have decided to pursue my true passions in life (a later blog..) and I am hoping it will get me somewhere in life.

..and that is it so far. It's still a work in progress, but I will keep ya'll posted.

But I decided about this time last week, that it is my life and I haven't been in charge. But it's my time to get up and take charge of my life, because I am the only one who can do it!

Until tomorrow my friends!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can view the rest of today's entries here!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Make A Wish

Today's Prompt: Make A Wish ~ What Talent Would You Wish For?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This happens to be a bit of a challenge for me. Because I think if I could make a wish, it wouldn't be for any sort of talent, at least not in my conscious state anyways. But I think if I really could make a wish and wish for talent it would be to be less of a loner.

When I was younger, I was this free spirited young girl who wanted to do everything, and I was that teenage girl who spent hours on the phone with her boyfriend and hours on the phone with her girlfriends rambling about any and everything and constantly going out and doing things and being around people.

But life happened, and life happened fast for me. Got knocked up when I was 15 and became a mommy at the wee young age of 16. And she is my pride and joy (along with my other 2!) but having my daughter completely changed me, and not for the better in all aspects. I went from being this extrovert who was always doing things to a full time mommy, full time student, and part time worker. I was exhausted. So when I wasn't taking care of my daughter (single I might add) I was going to school or working. I never had time for anyone or anything and slowly but surely I drifted away from everyone. I had lost most of my friends in the first place because I was that "bad influence" that no one really wanted to be around, but I just drifted because my daughter was my entire world and my teenage years went out the window, overnight.

So as the years went on and I focused SOLELY on my daughter, I lost myself in the process. I became that person who got up with her child morning, noon and night. I was that person who never left the house unless it was to the grocery store, doctor appointment or work. Yeah I was the mommy who devoted everything to her child(ren) and I don't regret a day of it and I still don't.

But.. I am the biggest loner I have ever met in my life Lol. I am the person who would rather sit at home and watch tv by herself. I am a person who doesn't like people. I don't like people because frankly, the world is full of idiots. And if you are acting an idiot I am just the kind of person who would tell you straight to your face that you are acting a fool.

Life has happened and in the process I have lost myself and even to this day at almost 27 years old I am still trying to find myself. But I haven't been out in years. I haven't even gone on a date. I don't do lunch dates, or shopping and I most certainly don't "hang out" with anyone because after awhile, even my closest friends start to get on my nerves because that is just how much I really don't like people.

And don't get me wrong, even I know this is not normal, and as I have stated before I am in therapy for my weird ways LOL But why am I this way? Because I want to be. I choose not to be around people and I choose not to socialize and I don't get along with very many people in real life and I'm still uncertain as to why. But this is just how I am.

So if I could make a wish, and wish for any talent in the world, it would be to be less of a loner. I would love to be able to get along with people and socialize and have a "Mom's Night Out" or a "Girls Night Out" or even just a date.  For awhile I wondered if it wasn't just depression (part of it is..) but I am on medication/therapy for certain things and I still make the conscious choice to not be around people. I would rather sit on this laptop blogging away all by myself then to have a BBQ with my neighbors or have coffee with a friend.

Is that a strange wish? Lol..Until tomorrow my friends!!

Click Here To View Today's Blog Host!

and

Click Here To View All Other Entries!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Insomnia

Insomnia is something I have struggled with for years. The first time I was told I had insomnia, I was 14. Because yes, even at 14 I had so much stress in my life, I never slept. But over the years it has just gotten worse. I had tried every thing in the world to try and sleep. I cut out caffeine, drank warm milk, which is yucky by the way. Lol I had taken warm baths, tried sleep remedies such as herbal teas. Cut out all technology and nothing in this world seemed to work. I just didn't know what to do.

I had become sooo exhausted that I couldn't even stand myself any longer. On average I would get about 3-4 hours of sleep and get up in the morning and go at full force. Because being a single mommy of 3 keeps you on your toes! So I went and seen a doctor about it finally.

I have tried every single medication in this world that you can think of, even more natural things like "Melatonin" but something just wasn't right. Even to this very day I am still not sure what is going on. I have been on medication after medication and some worked. I would drift off to sleep just fine, but come a few hours later I was right back up again and that was just as exhausting as getting no sleep at all! So something had to give. I told my doctor and told her, this is just not right. My body should react to medication, at least in the smallest bit, but it doesn't.

So after awhile, my primary doctor thought it would be best if I seen a therapist. Not just because I wasn't sleeping but because of the millions of other things that are going on in my life that I have little to no control over. Because I have felt defeated. So I have been seeing a therapist for awhile now and she has helped me to better understand just what is going on with me and what is going on with my body and help me sort out the reasons as to why I am not sleeping.

The last time I couldn't sleep, would be right at this very moment. It's almost 12:30am and I am sitting here blogging my little heart out, and why? Because I am stressed out beyond belief. And when I am stressed it's like my body and mind go into overdrive and I can't concentrate, I really can't sleep and I am constantly worried about everything and anything. Even at the end of the day, when most parents put their children to sleep, they consider it their "me" time to wind down before bed and just relax. But with me, there is no such thing as relaxing because my body and mind are constantly running amok.

The best remedy for my sleepless nights is usually blogging. I can get everything out in the open and vent and maybe someone down the line will "hear" what I have to say. That really does help me sometimes. Or I will try and read a book. Because there isn't a medication or remedy in this world I haven't tried. But I am definitely open to any and all suggestions. Because nothing else I do seems to work

So late nights.. I am on facebook or blogger. It's my me time, my down time. Blogging has helped me out a lot. And my therapist has said that the more I talk about things and get them in the open, the less stress I will feel and the easier it will become for me to sleep at night.

Is she right? I guess only time will tell!

...Until tomorrow my friends!!!

Check Out Today's Blog Host Here!

and

View All Other Entries Here!

Family Gatherings

When my family and I get together, it's definitely a party to say the least. On an average get together there is about 18 of us. And that is just IMMEDIATE family. And it happens so often, it's sometimes hard to keep track. Ever single birthday, (which there is one every month in our family, except September) and its happens 4 times in October, it get's exhausting! But it's worth it in every single way. I love that my family is so close, and if we need something we have each other to lean on.

Anyways, on my son's 3rd birthday (almost 3 years ago) We had all did what we did every single year and got together to celebrate. Except this year, I had decided to get a little more imaginative. I went to the dollar store and bought the kids SILLY STRING. Yeah, it wasn't my best idea ever. But it ended colorful. I wanted to make sure my son had a good birthday and I believe he did, but he was 3. He probably won't remember it, but I will!

Here is my wonderful son:

<~~See the mess? It was an entire year later and we were still finding pieces of silly string everwhere. Keep in mind, at this time there were exactly 8 kids at the time, not to mention adults. Cuz mommy was playing too.


Here he is just having a great time. With his big sister putting the silly string ON his head. ~~~~>




Close up! Isn't he handsome?
















Last one, I swear! This was the end of the day, it's him and I! :)


For the most part, I am not the life of the party. but I try my best to make sure my kids always are! Nowadays I just sit back and observe and be entertained everything going on. But back in the day, I always had something to say or something to do at a party. not so much these days though!!

Check Out Today's Blog Host Here!

and check out all other blog entries

HERE!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Communication

Now this is a sore topic for me, believe it or not. I am not a communicator at all. Except when it comes to the internet and blogging. Why is that? Even I am not sure. Eye contact for starters. In person, I am not the one to look someone in the eyes when I am talking to them, it's just not how I roll and I am not even sure why I am this way, but it's just the way I have always been. Maybe because on the internet, I am not being judged to my face? Who knows. I am sure (almost guarantee) that a few have read a few of my blogs and thought "what is wrong with her?" or "W.T.F.?" I guarantee it. It doesn't bother me really, even in person it wouldn't. But something about just knowing I am being judged and physically seeing it and just someone "internet bashing" are just different to me, if any of that makes sense.

I have been working with my almost 2 year old daughter on communication. She is at the stage that she thinks if she whines long enough or cries long enough mommy will just give in and give her what she wants. This is not the case. If she wants something, I make her say with her words what she wants before I will give it to her. She is my 3rd child, and my last. But she isn't any different then my other 2 children. I always tell her "Use your words!" because just whining and crying will get you nowhere in life. But I am a bit of a hypocrite. Because I will use my words, and use them very bluntly. But I am not a person who says many words. I will only talk when I have something to say, and that's it. Im not that random person you will run into at Starbucks and strike up a conversation with about the weather, nope that's not me at all. I am the quiet one who looks down when she walks and avoids every person in the room, why? Because in general, people are idiots. Yes, I said it. Some people in this world are just plain idiots and I can't stand having a converation with an ignorant person. Ignorant people just make me want to smack the stupid right out of them. Im sorry, but that's just how I see it. In general, I can only tolerate people in short bursts. Even my own family. It gives me SEVERE anxiety to even be surrounded by people. I just don't put myself in situations like that. And if I am somewhere and you are acting like an idiot, I would be the person (whether I knew you or not) to tell you that you are acting a fool.

But when it comes to my relationships it is different. For instance, when I am with my man. Him and I rarely talk. I mean we have conversations about random things but we never really sit down and just talk about things that are bothering us, or things we want to change. We in turn, TEXT each other. Is that healthy for our relationship? Probably not. But it has worked for us. When I am with him, the rest of the world stops. I don't worry about anything, I don't have stress over anything I just feel free. Him and I rarely fight about anything and when we do, 9 times out of 10 it is about my own insecurities or something equally irrelevant. And it isn't just him, its everyone else as well. I am not a big talker at all. I am not the person to call you, I would be the person to text you 4156324152364 times and when you call, say maybe 2 words. Because at that point I have already said everything I needed to, that's the end of that.

I always joke around and tell everyone that facebook and the internet is my social life. But in all reality it is the truth. I dont have many friends (less then 5 actually) and none of which really live close and for the most part, I don't even get along with anyone. I am a hard person to get to know in person, and I am a hard person to be a friend with because as everyone tells me, I am "set in my ways" and I am not changing anything for anyone but myself. Does that make me conceited? I have reached a point in my life that I don't even care anymore.

But how do I change my ways after so long? Better question, do I really want to change my ways? Do I really want to change my ways of communication, and why would I need too? Maybe this blog is pointless. But sometimes I wonder, is it really other people or is it just me?

I have soo many unanswered questions sometimes and they are just running through my brain tonight..

I Have Lost My Marbles

I must have lost my marbles somewhere, have you seen them? If you have, please don't hurt them. They are already damaged enough.....!

So I went to pick up my tiny humans from school on Friday, as I do any other day. But apparently I had forgotten that I made plans for some extra tiny humans to come over. At first, I was just going to deal with it. It was only 2 extra bodies and it was only for a few hours. Until, it dawned on me that they weren't just coming over to play for awhile, but they were staying the night. Okay, okay. These kids hadn't been over in awhile, I could handle one night of it, right? But that wasn't the end of it.

One of my daughter's best friend's (known her for almost 6 years now) mother texted me and asked me if I would please keep her daughter for the weekend, for her oldest daughter had homecoming. Every inch of me wanted to scream, "Are you fucking crazy!?" But I didn't. I calmly replied and told her YES and I was on the way to pick her up. After all, in the 6 years my daughter has known her, she has never once asked me if I would keep her for a weekend, so it must be important.

So Friday night (last night..) I had a total of 6 tiny humans in my house. All under the age of 10. All I can say is O.M.G. That will never happen again, ever.

They all know as does everyone else, that I am not *strict* by any means. For the most part I just let them do there thing. They have boundaries and rules, but Im not the strict mom who says you have to go to bed right at dark, or you can't have sugar or cookies after 7 or whatever. I'm that mom who decides to give them ice cream of all things at 9pm at night, why? Just because. Why not? But then I learned that was a mistake Lol

They ran and drove me crazy, screaming like idiots until about 11pm last night before I had finally had enough and was ready to flip my lid. I told them to figure out where they were sleeping and get there already before I started rocking them to sleep with real rocks!!! LOL! It was a long night to say the least. 2 of the tiny humans were not used to sleeping over at anyone's house, so they were extremely restless all night. Tossing and turning and snoring and talking and it drove me crazy. And to make it worse, my own tiny human was coming down sick so she was up off and on all night long with a fever. Last night was horrible, but this morning was WORSE!

Every single one of the tiny humans were up, alert and on the go at 6:45am. Holy batman, what is wrong with them? It's Saturday for God's sake, go back to bed!! What happened to sleeping in on Saturdays? LOL Anyways..

We had planned to go to the annual Intertribal Powwow. It is something as a family we do every year to embrace the Indian in us! (Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe, for those that maybe curious) So we do it every year. Well 2 of the tiny humans just had to go, not that I didn' twant them here, but I didn't have room in my car for them to go with us. So that helped and I went from 6 tiny humans to 4, which was much better. So while we were waiting to go to the powwow, the children had decided that they wanted to play T-Ball in my house while I was busy doing housework. AWWW HELLL NAW! We have some issues there yo!

First off, we don't play ball in the house and my children know this, regardless of who is here. So what do my children do? They decide that instead of playing with a ball, they are going to grab their FOAM dice and play with that instead. Isn't that like asking for trouble? Really? Lol What goes through their head when they do things like that? For the life of me I can't recall what life was like when I was 5, I barely remember even being 5. But my son, is quite the brilliant little turd and knew I wouldn't yell at him because it wasn't a ball.

Needless to say, I shipped them outside after it warmed up a little bit and we went on our way.

But what is wrong with me? Anyone who knows me know that I have next to NO patience for my own children, let alone other people's children, so what do I do? I have 6 of them total in my house and 1 of which will be here til Monday! Why would I do that to myself?

So again I say, if you see my marbles, please be gentle with them.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I Believe

So lately I have been struggling, and it hasn't been a secret. For the most part all I do is "fake" everything. I let others believe that everything is okay, and I am okay and everything is okay. When in reality it isn't, it isn't even close to being okay. But I have also been struggling with what I even believe in anymore. Do I really believe in God? I mean, I used to always believe that God wouldn't give one person more then they could handle. But I am not so sure I believe that anymore. I mean, why would God knowingly put ONE person through just the things I am going through? How does he expect me to get through all this and still have faith in the end? I'm just not sure I believe that God would put so much pain and turmoil in one person's life, I just don't believe it. I am told that I should let everything go and leave it in God's hands and he will get me through. But can I really do that if I dont believe in him? I don't think that is the thing to do. But then again, what do I really know for sure these days?? I have soo many things running through my mind on a daily basis it is a wonder I am still sane. But I guess that is a different blog.

Do I believe in happiness? Do I believe that everything will work itself out? Do I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason? I am struggling and that is all I can say for sure that I do know. The biggest thing I am struggling with right now, is do I believe in myself? I am not sure I do anymore. I don't fully believe in myself. The only abilities within me that I do believe in, are my abilities as a mother. I can and will do anything for my children and it doesn't matter what path in life I end up in, that will never change. I am a mother first, but I am also a person. There is a lot more to me than just being a mother. I am a person. And right at this moment, I don't believe in myself at all. But I dont even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of me. I don't know anymore. I don't know what happens next. But here is what I at this moment do believe in.

* I believe that if I fake it long enough, in my heart I will eventually think everything is okay.

*I believe the though of unicorns and flying monkeys will keep anyone sane, or at least young at heart.

* I believe that everyone has problems in their lives, some are just better at faking it than others.

*I believe that the love of my life has and will continue to support me through it all, and his strength will help my find my strength

*I believe that even on my weakest days, the "I love you mommy" that I receive from my children everyday, is what keeps me getting out of bed each day.

*I believe that you don't know how strong you really are, until being strong is your only option.

*I believe that when you fuck up, you find out who your true friends really are.

And last but not least..

*I believe that laughter is the best medicine, except for diahrrea.

WOOOOSAHHHH!